101 Ways To Kill Edward Cullen
by Alex McM
Summary: I hate him. You hate him. He's that pale bastard who has made teenage girls think vampires can be your soul-mate and practically defacated on the vampire legend. To ease the pain read 101 retarded deaths & stay tuned for the Hellsing cameos and many more!
1. 1 to 10

**A Hundred-and-One Ways To Kill Edward Cullen**

Welcome to all Anti-Twilight fans. This is another little story that will tide you over until another author writes a new not so epic battle between Twilight and an obviously better series. The name says it all. This is just for fun, so don't expect a masterpiece. Please review, otherwise Edward Cullen will live on. Anyway, sit back and enjoy...

**1 – Bullseye!**

Edward strolls across an open field and discovers a mask lying face down in the long grasses. He picks it up and without looking puts it on, just out of curiosity. He does not realise that a professional archer is hiding behind a tree on the outskirts of the field and that the mask is painted with a bullseye on his forehead.

The archer doesn't miss.

Edward loses a fraction of his small brain which is thrown out the back of his head, stuck to the tip of the arrow. He dies instantly while the archer cheers...And so does the rest of the world.

**2 – Poetic Justice**

Stephanie Myer reads over her books and realises that they are a god-awful piece of shit. In a fit of rage over her own mistake she goes on a rampage with a handgun she bought off of Ebay. She hunts down each cast member and shoots them. Edward is best saved last.

When Stephanie finds Edward she cackles insanely and glares at him with pin-prick sized pupils and bloodshot eyes. "I created you...So I can destroy you!"

BOOM!

**3 – Rocky (Not the boxer...The hard thing on the ground)**

Edward goes on a hiking trip with some teenaged fans, all of whom are girls who share one brain between the lot of them. One girl climbs ahead of her crush and accidentally kicks his hand, causing him to fall.

Edward plummets two metres but another girl catches his wrist and holds him up. The girl's eyes lighten up and her cheeks turn red. "Are you okay?" She asks nervously.

"Thank you...You saved my life...How could I ever repay you?" Edward whines in his effeminate voice.

The girl squeals excitedly and lifts both hands to her mouth as she giggles like the schoolgirl that she is. In doing so, she drops her hero who plummets a hundred metres down onto a solid rock face.

'Splat!' It takes one sad cleaner four hours to scrub the mess off of the cliff and when he is done he hates Edward Cullen even more...Just like me.

**4 – Rocky II (Again, not Sylvester Stallone.)**

Edward is sitting against a boulder outside a cave. He amasses a crowd of stupid fan girls who salivate over his pasty skin and weak expression.

A man with an obvious desire to do the world a favour grabs a chunk of loose rock and bludgeons Edward to death.

The fan girls get angry, but it seems that the death of their 'master' incidentally brings about their deaths as well. Each girl whines as she turns to sand, which unlike Edward has some use, e.g. cleaning vomit.

**5 – Bet you never thought of that!**

Edward is drugged and placed in a washing machine that has the spin cycle thing or whatever it's called. It is then filled with broken glass and said washing machine is then turned on. Think about it...It's not pretty, but neither is Edward (Especially after the first wash.)

**6 – Just Desserts**

Edward receives a letter from 'His biggest fan in the entire world!!' who asks him to go to his house for dinner. Edward reluctantly agrees and gets in a taxi, giving him the address. The driver remains silent throughout the ride, despite Edwards vain attempts at conversation which is always something like, "Have you seen Twilight?"

"Do you know who I am?"

"Do you like Twilight?"

The driver sighs in relief when he finally arrives at the address and the whiny pain in the ass gets out. Edward knocks on the door which opens at his touch. He proceeds inside while calling out to anyone who is home. He get's no answer and by the thirty second mark he is very much afraid. He turns back to the front door which is now closed.

Edward shakes with discomfort as a thin man with a murderous look in his eyes appears out of the kitchen.

"Hello! I've been expecting you!" The man shouts every sentence which makes things slightly more unnerving.

The man takes out a knife and proceeds over to Edward who curls up in a tiny ball and cries. Edward is thrown into a large makeshift pot which is made from a bathtub and scrap metal. Boiling hot water is poured in, then Edward. His skin melts away from the heat and the flesh underneath cooks lightly. The water is drained after ten minutes by which time Edward's muscle tissue has gone a light brown colour.

He is somehow still alive, but too weak to do anything as he is impaled on a large spike and put on a spit. As he is slow roasted for an hour, he whimpers like a wounded animal, except no-one cares for Edward in the way that people would care for an animal. When he is cooked to perfection he is then cut up in small pieces and served with HP sauce and some seasonings.

The cannibal takes a bite out of a nice chunk of leg but he spits it out distastefully and throws the meal in the bin.

**7 – Nice Doggy**

Edward goes to a pound for 'exotic animals'. Being a tool, he finds a wolf and suddenly he begins to cry. "He's so cute! I must have him!!" The lady in charge argues that he would need someone strong to take care of him but the sparkly moron insists he can handle the large hound.

The lady continues to argue but when a roll of cash is waved before her eyes she changes her mind and scurries off and locks herself in a steel-walled room that looks like a bomb shelter.

Edward finds the keys to the wolf's cage on the floor where the woman dropped them. He approaches the not-so-cuddly critter and whispers stupid things to it.

"I'm going to call you Cujo! Like the doggy from that movie. You know, the one that saves people!"

The wolf rolls its eyes as even it has a better knowledge of movie trivia than Edward does.

"Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie?" Edward recites like a parrot as he unlocks the cage and let's the beast out. He tickles the wolf as he chants the retarded mantra over and over again until he laughs and points to himself. "That's right! It's me!!" As Edward laughs, the Wolf loses patience and latches onto the bare patch between Edwards legs. Edward instinctively cries out in pain despite not feeling anything.

When the wolf realises there is no meat in Edwards crotch, he pounces and knocks the weakling over. His teeth latch onto Edward's throat and he cries for mercy as his carteroid artery is severed and spray paints the 'cute wittle puppy' in a fresh coat of red.

Just before he passes out Edward slaps himself in the forehead with a mangled hand. "Oh, it was Lassie I was thinking of! Silly me!"

Yes Edward. You are silly...In fact you are F**** retarded!!

**8 – No Need For A Wake-Up-Call**

Edward bribes his way into sleeping at a retirement home because the rent is cheaper than at his Hollywood home. An irate nurse slips enough sleeping pills into Edward's glass of water to bring down a bull elephant. Edward OD's on the sleeping pills and never wakes up again.

**9 – Clumsy! **

Edward tries to build a fence around his home to keep out the rabid fan girls who would hump his leg if they got the chance. Since he is too stingy to hire a contractor, he instead attempts to build it himself. He spends nine hours hammering in one post and he is too tired to continue, so he calls it quits for the day.

Two weeks later, when the posts are done it's time to put in the steel mesh. The rolls are too heavy for him to carry so he has to unroll it all the way to the fence and then roll it back up on the spot. The exhaustive process takes an hour and a half for each roll and by the end of it he is too tired again.

That night two fan girls are caught on the mesh, their hair is entwined and knotted around the little steel wires. Edward has them removed and decides to top off his fence with a string of barbed wire along the top. That should show those sneaky fans!

Edward returns to Aldi for the hundredth time and buys a roll of barbed wire.

When he returns home he takes out a step ladder and begins the laborious task of wrapping it around the posts and tying it in place. All goes well for a while until a crowd of fans attack his fence. They shake it frenziedly as they try to clamber up over the unbarbed areas. Edward clings on for dear life but he is flung into the fence. His head goes through a coil of barbed wire which tightens as the rest of the roll falls to the ground. Edward screams as he is slowly strangled and decapitated at the same time.

When he is definitely dead, the fans raid his corpse, stealing his walled and his head.

Edwards head is now an ornament on the mantelpiece in a nut job's living room.

**10 – No, We Aren't Afraid**

Edward takes a leisurely stroll down the street at night. He checks his watch and notices that the 'Vampire Diaries' is about to start. For those unfamiliar, it is a shitty TV show that's pretty much the same as Twilight. Edward takes a short cut through a dark alleyway and confronts a trio of drug addicts.

"Hi fella's!" He waves like an idiot and one of the druggies takes out a flick knife. Edward senses danger, but that doesn't mean he knows how to overcome it. He smiles arrogantly and walks up to them. "Are you afraid?"

"What?!" One of them asks angrily.

"I am a vampire." Edward whispers.

"So what, you gonna suck our blood or something?" The second addict asks.

"Well, no, I don't drink human blood...I'm a vegetarian." This provokes laughter amongst the druggies who fall over laughing. Edward uses this chance to escape, but a larger gang of addicts are waiting around the corner.

Edward is brutally beaten and mugged. As he rots in the alley, he is peed on daily by a stray dog.

Well, that's ten. stay tuned for more ways to kill an obscenely arrogant prick from a chick-flick vampire movie.

Please review and give me more inspiration. Any ideas are welcome, so give me praise or tips, it's all good.


	2. 11 to 20

Here it is! the second installment in my hate-fuelled, sadistic vengeance against the worst vampire ever conceived. I hope you enjoy it!

**11 – Music as a weapon**

Edward agrees to go to a death metal gig, assured that he will hear songs from the Twilight Soundtrack, something he actually falls for because of his minimal brain power. ON arrival he arouses a chorus of boo's and curses from the crowd.

Edward retreats to the side of the stage near the amplifiers where a roadie is setting the volume. Since there has been no fireworks in the show yet, the roadie decides to make some and turns the amplifier which is as tall as an adult basketball player up full volume. He then flees from the stage and finds a vantage point far from the deafness zone.

Edward cowers before the mighty amp as a beer bottle is hurled at him.

The first band walks out on stage and wordlessly takes up their positions. The guitarist strikes his guitar and a shockwave blasts out of the amp, causing Edwards head to explode, showering the front few rows and ensuring they don't get dehydrated...or hungry...

**12 – Shock Therapy**

The third Twilight movie is released and is a total box-office flop. It fails worse than Australia the film did.

The cast are encouraged to attend therapy sessions to try and get over their worthlessness. The therapist tries to get rid of the excess anger by using shock therapy, much like in the Simpsons, though dumber.

"You are going to take out your rage on you fellow cast members. If all goes well, seeing the pain you cause them will make you feel guilty and you will forget about your anger." The therapist explains confidently.

"What if it fails?" Edward asks. He receives a strong electrical charge and yelps like a Chihuahua.

"You may begin." The therapist yells hyperactively.

Edward tries to be a pacifist and folds his arms, refraining from the treatment. The rest of the cast all glare at him.

"What?" He looks around nervously.

"It's your fault! You're the reason no-one likes us!" They roar in unison.

"No. Everyone loves me!" Edward snaps egotistically.

"No they don't! You aren't even a real vampire!" The cast begin to administer shocks solely to Edward who is slowly incinerated from the inside while the cast slowly relax. After an hour, everyone is happy. The failure of the past is behind them now.

Everyone is happy...Except for one very crisp, blackened mess that is called Edward. The therapist approaches Edward and frowns.

"There, there." He says as he pats Edward's shoulder softly, though due to his melted muscle tissue and fried bones, the gesture subsequently removes his arm. Edward sobs and his very own tears burn through his ashen flesh as if they were acid.

**13 – Crocodile tears**

There is a popularity poll for the greatest vampire of all time. Edward finds the results and reads the first name. He frowns when he realises his name is not pronounced Dracula and he shrugs off the disappointment and goes to the next name.

Again, he finds a different name. He follows down the list which consists of a hundred names. When he reaches ninety-nine he stops.

"Okay...I am definitely next!" Edward reassures himself. He reads number one hundred...It's not him either.

"What?!" Edward goes red in the face. "F-f-fu-fu-fuuuudge!" Edward is even too weak to swear. He turns over the sheet and hopes to find a continuation of the list. There is one name on the back, but it is written in pen, rather than typed like the others.

"Edward Cullen...Number 1?" Edward reads aloud. "Yes!! Yes!! I won!" Edward looks down again and notices that it is not a hyphen before the '1' but is actually a minus symbol.

Edward cries...and cries....and cries some more, until he is blinded. Despite this, he decides to go for a walk, to calm himself. After a short walk, he trips on a cliff's edge and fall several hundred metres into the forest below, eventually landing in a tree, snapping his neck and many other bones on impact.

**14 – Magician**

Edward is watching TV and finds a program of a magician. The man floats on air, saws people in half, walks through walls...He even removes his own head, only to walk around headless before putting it back on.

Edward claps like an entertained toddler and decides to copy what he saw. (Well there was no warning at the start, like there is on Jackass.)

Edward buys a cardboard box, even though he could get one for free. He also buys a saw and some string.

After an hour of imagined practicing, Edward buys a busking permit at a local shop. He sets up his cheap stall and tries to attract a crowd by shouting like a drug addict.

When a sizeable crowd gathers he begins.

Firstly, he 'floats' using a pulley made from the string. Because of the bright sun, the strings shine like a supermodel's hair and he is caught out. He promises the disinterested masses that the next trick will be real and some of them stay.

"May I have a volunteer?" He asks. A young girl walks up to him and he smiles. "What's your name?"

"Jane." The girl replies.

Edward pouts. "I don't like that name! Go away!" He shoves the girl away and approaches another one. "What's your name?"

"Alice."

"Good enough! Now come with me!" Edward leads the girl to his cardboard box and tells her to get inside. The girl crawls inside and adjusts her position so that her head and feet are both sticking out.

"Now, watch as I cut this girl in half!" Edward shouts. The girl squeals on cue and the audience chuckle.

Edward produces his saw and places the serrated blade on the top. The blade sinks in with a horrible noise and the girl winces. Edward then cuts down to halfway. The blade is only a few centimetres above the girl's stomach now.

"Ok, and now, I shall cut her in two!" Edward continues on. The girl begins to sweat and she asks nervously about her safety. Edward ignores her and cuts deeper, until the girl screams.

"Is that blood?!" One terrified onlooker asks.

"He's going to kill her!"

"No, no! I'm a magician!" Edward reassures the crowd. "It's all an act!" Everyone puts aside their discomfort until they can hear bone being cut up and the girl is making a hideous choking sound as blood gushes out of her mouth.

Edward cuts straight through and chuckles. "Ta-dah!" He moves the two sides of the box and the girls entrails fall out.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!" Everyone screams.

"You cut her in half!!"

"I know, I'm magic!" Edward grins.

"No, you literally cut her in half!!"

"That's the trick." Edward mutters.

"No it's not!! You just killed a girl! Get him!!"

A lynch mob of angry shoppers beat the living shit out of Edward and then cut him in half out of vengeance.

**15 – Magician (Alternate Ending)**

"That's not the trick!!" The angry shoppers roar.

Edward barters with the crowd. He strikes a deal. "If I can cut off my head and put it back on, I get to run away! If I lose, you can do as you wish."

"Okay." The crowd wait expectantly as Edward places the saw blade on his throat. He then proceeds to cut into his own neck.

You know the outcome... Edward loses the bet.

**16 – Don't Feed The Animals**

The zoo has a special exhibition where visitors can feed the animals. Edward rushes over and spends several hours feeding farm animals and herbivores before he arrives at the lions den.

The great beasts roar as he approaches. Unlike the rest of the exhibits, there is no attendant handing out food. Edward frowns and backtracks until he finds a hot-dog vender. He then returns to the feisty felines. He climbs the large wire fence and drops into their territory.

Edward jogs up to the dominant male and strokes his mane. "Oh my god! Can I brush your hair?!" Edward asks. The lion swipes at him with a huge paw and Edward jumps away in time. He then approaches it a second time.

"Are you hungry?"

Brief pause.

"AAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!"

**17 – Ooh Damn!**

While out for a late evening stroll, Mr Cullen comes across a skate park. A bunch of teenage skaters are doing trick on the cement obstacle course.

Unable to resist appearing cool in front of teenagers, Edward sprints over and snatches a skateboard from one of the kids.

On first try, Edward fails to go on a straight patch of ground. The same goes for the first ten. By the time of the eleventh try, Edward's body is bloodied and scarred. He finally succeeds to ride ten metres on flat. Next up, a trick!

Edward sets up a thin wooden ramp that leads up to the roof of a house.

"I'm going to jump between the houses and land on the roof of the second one!" Edward beams. As if on cue, every single skater takes out their phone and turns the camera on.

Edward prepares himself and pushes off. He gains speed and rides up the ramp, up to the angled roof. Edward reaches the roof and he flies...right over the second roof. The teens film every second as Edward soars over the house and lands on the road instead.

"Ooh damn! He got owned!"

The teens take a quick snap of the splattered mess, and then they all nod to each other. "Bail!" And then they scatter.

**18 – Stale**

After watching a news report on freegans, Edward gets enough inspiration to do it himself. Edward remembers seeing a large bin outside the local butchers and decides to feed there.

#In breaking news, there has been a recall on some poisoned meat sold at the-#

Edward switched off the TV and went out to the butchers. Edward finds a large skip out the back of the butcher, filled to the rim with raw meat. Edward takes a whole bagful and then runs back home to eat.

After filling up on his discovery, he goes to bed early. He wakes up halfway through the night to throw up violently and then die slowly of food poisoning.

**19 – Monkey See, Monkey Do**

Edward is repairing an old cupboard while watching the Simpson's movie. He watches the part where Homer accidentally hits himself with the hammer while mending the roof. Edward laughs hysterically and points to the TV.

"Ha! How stupid! What moron!" Edward then returns to his work and attempts to hammer a nail into the side of the cupboard. He swings the hammer up and down above the nail and accidentally swings it too far back, driving the claw into his face. Unlike a cartoon though, hammers in real life are fucking painful!

**20 – Look Out!**

Edward is strolling alongside a road when he notices a shiny red ball. Instinctively, he runs out onto the road to catch it, only to be run down by a truck.

The truck driver is later given a promotion.

Please review. This may only be a side project, but I want this to go well. Also, stay tuned, as famous vampires and other icons will get some cameos further on! If you like Alucard from Hellsing, then be patient, as he is on his way!


	3. 21 to 30

Hello again, Anti-Twilight brothers and sisters! Let us rejoice as the ultimate dickhead dies another ten times! This chapter has two guest stars, but I won't tell you who, you can find out yourself! 

**21 – You're Screwed**

Edward is attempting some D.I.Y handiwork, but things aren't going too well. As with everything else in life, Edward sucks at it. He was trying to repair a cupboard (Yes, it's the same one from the last chapter), mainly one shelf and being too cheap to hire a tradesman he decided to do it himself...Big mistake.

Firstly, he stepped on some nails which he had dropped on the floor. He winced as the cold steel burrowed through the pale, soft flesh on the underside of his feet. He bit his lip to the point of bleeding, just to stop himself from cursing.

When the pain subsided, he swept the floor and returned to the cupboard. He decided to screw in some braces under neath the shelf, so he went to get the desired materials. When he returned he took out a screwdriver and a ridiculously oversized screw.

Placing one hand on the top of the shelf to hold it down, Edward used the other hand to manipulate the screwdriver, slowly driving in the screw. Being the tool that he is (Ha ha! Get it? Tool?) Edward kept his other hand on top of the shelf even when the screw poked his palm. The screw got stuck so Edward used excessive force to get it right through, only it went a bit too far...

The screw managed to go through his hand as well as the shelf. Edward felt a strange sensation on his hand and he put the screwdriver on the top shelf while he tended to his ailment. He stared at the bloodied piece of spiralling steel which protruded from his hand, with coils of white flesh wrapped around it. Blood oozed from the hideous wound and Edward screamed in a pitch that would make a girl sound like Barry White. He thrashed about trying in vain to free himself. The cupboard rocked around as he tugged at his hand, only making the hole bigger. He continued to writhe about until the cupboard pitched forward.

Edward tried to jump out of the way, but being attached to the cupboard, he just threw it down on top of himself. The screwdriver's tip poked out from the top of the shelf and Edward stared at it as it remained like that until it landed on him...

Edward suddenly realised he could not see the screwdriver anymore. He tried to blink and felt something blocking his right eyelid. He glanced over with his left eye and found a piece of metal poking out of his other eye. It was the screwdriver!

He screamed again and then sobbed pathetically as he slowly bled to death.

Edward died horribly...but at least he never lost his screwdriver!

**22 – Splitting Melons**

At a local festival, there is a performer using a sledge-hammer to crush melons. There is a small crowd of mostly children who pick up the smashed pieces and eat them while laughing and clapping.

Edward watches for a while but gives up eventually when the children beat him to the melon fragments for the thirteenth time in a row. Sulking like a little toddler, Edward goes to a different stall and after a short look around he notices a ride he wants to go on. It is a waterslide.

Edward skips over to it, causing passers by to glare at him. He jumps up next to the operator and grins, handing him the cash for a ticket. The man sluggishly hands him a ticket and shows him the line. Edward frowns at the fat man in front of him, hoping that the man does not clog the slide or some stupid thing. After a ten minute wait it is the fat man's turn. Edward hops on the spot excitedly, awaiting his turn. The fat man cries out as he rolls down the slide and after a few seconds there is a loud thump and then the fat man rolls out onto the ground, rather than in the pool where he is supposed to land.

A ride attendant steps in front of Edward and groans. "The ride has been broken. The tub of lard just bashed the tube in the wrong direction. It's no longer safe, sorry kid."

"What?! Do you know who I am?!" Edward shrieks.

The man squints at him for a few seconds. "No." He answers in a deadpan voice.

Edward growls and tries to knock the man over, but since he is as weak as a newborn kitten he merely bounces off of the man and lands on his ass. The ride attendant orders him to leave and Edward uses his superhuman speed to kick the man in the family jewels. The man tripped on his own feet and fell to one side.

Edward chuckles as he crawls into the tube and begins his slide. Edward squeals with delight as he get's wet from the white wash (There may be a second meaning there...) all the way down the dark slide. He suddenly bumps into a dented section of the tube where the fat man broke it. He winces as he bruises his elbow, but he eventually forgets about the pain and returns to his state of childish glee. He turns around two corners and then he sees the light at the end of the tunnel. He cries out excitedly as he is spat out of the tunnel. Since he only weighs 20kg Edward flies out of the tube, instead of landing normally like the fat man. Edward soars across the festival grounds and eventually face plants on the stage where the melon man is.

Edward rolls over to look right into the face of the melon man who has already let the hammer fall. Edward has no time to scream.

'SPLAT!'

The children stare at the strange, greyish melon chunks that spill out, but they take a bite anyway. They spit it out in disgust and then run away.

Edwards's body is taken to hospital.

His head is swept up into a bin.

**23 – Gnarly Dude!**

Edward takes a day off from being a smug jackass and goes down to the beach. Fan girls try to rub against him as he strolls out into the water. When he reaches the waters edge and his big toe is splashed, he screams and runs back to the car park. The fan girls abandon him and he returns a second time to the water.

After two hours of repeating this, he finally gets the courage to go into the water.

He cowers as the waves crash around him. A group of surfers tease him and Edward is reduced to tears in a matter of seconds.

Then, a huge freak wave strikes. The surfers try to scatter, but one decides to charge the wave. Edward is too scared to move. He watches as the surfer is annihilated by the wall of water. The surfers cry out to the unfortunate Edward who is paralysed. The surfers close their eyes, unable to watch as the wave crushed the small, weak man.

When the water sucks out again, Edward is seen, standing upright...with a surfboard sticking out of his chest...He flops over, dead and is washed out by the next wave.

Two years later, his corpse is washed up on a beach in Okinawa, Japan.

**24 – Fun In The Sun **

Edward goes to the beach and encounters his army of fan girls who share one brain collectively between the fifty of them. Edward strolls out to the waters edge accompanied by his flock of sheep where his big toe is attacked by a sudden onset of rushing water. Edward flees from the cold water and his fan girl army coaxes him into sunbathing instead. He reluctantly agrees, after checking his blindingly pale skin. He lies on his back and closes his eyes. He falls asleep rather quickly.

Ten minutes later, the fan girls discover Edward is gone, though there is a pile of ash where he used to be...

The moral of the story: If you are an albino, or incredibly pale...Wear sunscreen...Pussy!

**25 – Feeding frenzy**

Edward goes to the beach (Is it just me or are you feeling some Deja Vu as well?) and he dashes towards the water, trying to outrun and escape the flock of woollens sheep with tits. He dives into the waves and swims out as far as he possibly can.

After a while, he feels a menacing presence and stares at the shadows underneath him. Something large is circling him. When a large triangular fin rises from the water, Edward smiles.

"Oh! It's a dolphin!"

It isn't a dolphin...It's a shark.

Edward is dragged under screaming like a woman in a scene reminiscent of 'Jaws' and the water suddenly turns red...Then it sparkles.

**26 – Furry Friend**

It is late at night and Edward is lost on his way home from a movie premiere and winds up on an abandoned dirt road by a forest. Edward stops when he notices the sudden appearance of a large silhouette in the distant fog. To take his mind off of it, he looks straight up at the stars...and the full moon...

"Oh shit!" Edward mutters under his breath. The silhouette explodes and the fog parts to reveal a large, grey, furry beast. The werewolf stops beside Edward and turns into an ugly boy with no shirt on.

Edward sighs. "Oh, it's just you Jacob! For a second I was scared and- AAAAGH!!"

Jacob is suddenly ripped in half and his upper half flies off to the other side of the road, while his legs fall slowly. Behind them, a true werewolf roars. Spittle sprays Edward and the weak vampiress falls back. The werewolf rears up on its hind legs and stands far taller than a normal human. Dark grey fur, stained in blood covers the monsters muscle-bound body. Wicked talons sprout from its fingers and toes and cold, canine eyes glare at its next meal. It snarls and large teeth shine in the moonlight. The creature approaches Edward and points its nose up to the sky, letting loose a blood-chilling howl.

Edward screams as he is eviscerated, mutilated and totally fucked up!

The true monster pads off down the road, leaving the horrid mess behind.

**27 – Bath Time!**

Edward takes a bath...and drowns. The story is so pathetic that even the local newspaper won't publish it.

Everyone forgets about in just two days and the fan girls never find out the truth. For their sake, they are told he is on a holiday for a year, until the Twilight fad fades away.

Justice prevails.

**28 – In Space, No-one Cares If You Die**

Edward is sent on a spacecraft. NASA hopes the vessel will never come back to Earth and that the annoying bastard will burn up on re-entry, or something just as good. To ensure that Edward gets no help from his crew, they are implanted with xenomorph embryos pre-flight.

Edward locks himself in the toilet where he throws up from motion sickness for the first nine hours of the flight. When he finally steps out and locks the litres of vomit inside, he encounters a trio of aliens.

"Oh my god! Is it Halloween?! Are these your disguises?"

The crew hiss at him.

"What are you supposed to be anyway?" Edward asks, oblivious to the dangers.

The aliens surround him and the lead one grasps Edwards's skull and lifts him up to its eyeless face. Edward frowns as he realises that it is the middle of April and not October. The alien's inner mouth shoots out and split's his forehead open, spraying blood and brain matter about. The group deem him inappropriate to propagate their species and so they tear him apart out of rage.

The ship burns up on re-entry, so the secret is well kept and the people of Earth never find out about the existence of xenomorphs. They also never find out the big secret that chicken nuggets are actually made from Xenomorph flesh.

**29 – You Thought The Tub Thing Was Pathetic...**

Edward is reading this story while eating chicken nuggets. He reads the end of #28 and gasps while a chicken nugget is still in his mouth. It gets lodged in his throat and he chokes to death. Because he never get's house guests, it takes four months until anyone realises he is dead.

**30 – It's Bad**

Two words: Auto-erotic asphyxiation. Not good. The world is shocked; They didn't think Edward was _That _weird!

Well, hopefully, you enjoyed that. Both the Werewolf and Alien have had their guest spot, next chapter there will be another guest. And unfortunately Alucards flight has been delayed, so it will be alittle while longer until he arrives. Please be patient, while you wait, how about you give this story a review?

**_REVIEW!!! _**


	4. 31 to 40

Here it is! the next collection of psychotic and totally insane deaths conjured by my strange mind. As usual, this will be very violent and could possibly contain character deaths...

**31 – No Diving**

Edward goes bungee jumping and while things are being set up he brags about his fame with teenage girls, much to the annoyance of all those present.

After an exhaustingly long-winded rant, Edward finally runs out of things to say and he jumps.

The irate instructor takes out a hunting knife and cuts the rope and watches Edward plummet down into a large body of water where his body is ripped apart on impact. As the individual pieces float away crocodiles scavenge the remains.

**32 – Learner Driver**

Edward is coaxed into driving lessons after the thirteenth taxi driver quits his job shortly after being Edwards chauffeur. Edward is nervous, really nervous. In fact he is so nervous that...well...

The instructor ducks inside the car and sits down before briefly sniffing the air. "Does it smell like pee to you?"

Edward shakes his head as his face sparkles (He can't blush.)

"You nervous?" The driving instructor asks with a smirk.

Edward shakes his head frantically again. "No" He whines in a pitch so high it cracks the windscreen. They are forced to change cars and Edward feels even worse.

When they are finally ready, the instructor sighs and checks a sheet of paper on his lap. He then studies Edwards's posture and actions before he presses down on the accelerator. The instructor grins and writes a short comment on the paper.

"Good, good. Now let's just speed up a bit because it's a forty zone here and you're currently at twelve."

"No." Edward whines again. "This is fast enough!"

"No, this is too slow. Just press down on the accelerator!"

"Ok." Edward takes a deep inhale and presses his foot down, well he stomps on the accelerator. The car jumps in the air as it speeds over a gutter and continues to speed off along a footpath before heading for a corner. Edward spins the wheel excessively and the car spins out before rolling for about twenty metres, onto a free-way.

A multi-car pile up ensues and Edward cries in agony as his body is crushed by the weight of the car. His internal organs are squashed like bugs and sharp pieces of metal are jabbing into him. As if it weren't bad enough, the engine's oil is spilling onto his body which soon lights up and explodes along with the engine.

Edward's body is eventually scraped off of the road and placed in a plastic bin for a few days until being moved to landfill.

**33 – Morning Sickness**

Edward goes to an Asian restaurant and bravely orders the fugu (Puffer-fish for those not familiar...It's practically poisonous on about 80% of it's body so there is a high chance of being poisoned. Yeah, you see where this is going...)

Edward enjoys the meal and goes home, stuffed but satisfied.

When he wakes up the next morning he is relieved. "Ha! I knew some fish couldn't kill the mighty Edward Cull- 'Bluergh'!" Edward vomits all over the floor and suddenly his stomach feels like it is on fire. He throws up repeatedly, slowly dying in agonizing pain...Like he deserves!

**34 – Eww!**

On his way home from a trip to Africa, Edward contracts _Necrotizing Fasciitis_. Google image search it...Not pretty. And Wikipedia isn't much better.

**35 – I Want My Mummy!**

While he was in Africa, before #33 happened, Edward went to Egypt as it had been a lifelong dream to see the pyramids and such.

He was disappointed to find that the tour of the Great Pyramid was closed for the one day he was staying here, so like a disobedient four year old, he disregarded authority and went in.

With no tour group to follow, Edward took his time wandering around the exquisite burial chambers of the great Pharaohs. There was more gold than there is in a rap music video (I don't like rap music, but this seemed an appropriate comparison.) Edward stares at the exquisite gold chains and jewel encrusted ornaments and impulsively takes as much as his pockets can allow. But someone doesn't like that...

Edward assumes he has committed the perfect crime and slink out towards a secret exit near the large coffin in the burial chamber. He approaches the door but is stopped by a bony hand grasping his shoulder.

Edward turns slowly and stares at the hand which is wrapped in bandages. The flesh underneath is grey and rotting. Edward wants to scream, but it comes out at so high a pitch that even a dog wouldn't be able to hear it. The coffin lid slides open and the mummified king steps out. The bandages around his face fall down to reveal glowing red eyes and a decaying face.

Edward tries to run but the mummy strangles him until he is unconscious, then disembowels him. The mummy then adds the finishing touch by removing Edwards's tiny brain via a hook through his nose. Afterwards, the pieces are stored in little jars and remain beside the undead king for a few hundred years.

**36 – You've Got Mail**

Edward receives an email from Mr Pewterschmidt. (It's a Family Guy reference. You either get it or you don't.)

**37 – You Snooze, You Lose**

There is a travelling freak show in town, and as a pathetic sparkling vampire, of course Edward is offered a job. He agrees before the proposal is even asked and he begins his first day of being gawked at idiots who are just as strange as he is...Actually scrap that, no-one is weirder than him!

Anyway, when his lengthy shift is over and the novelty of a supposedly threatening bloodsucker that probably sucks something else instead wears off, he retires to one of the many tents to get a good nights sleep and rest his worthlessly sparkly skin.

He finds a bed with a mattress thicker than any normal one. He is so tired that he literally jumps onto the bed...Only to receive thousands of horrible pin-pricks from something.

Another freak wanders into the tent and growls. "Hey! You're in my bed!"

Edward lifts up the covers and realises it's a bed of nails. He then nods and tries to get up, but he is stuck. The masochist runs off to get help and returns with four people who all grab onto the weak vampire and pull as hard as they can.

Edward is successfully lifted off, but the flesh of his back remains behind on the bed.

The masochist gasps at the horrible wound and peels the skin off of his custom-made bed and then places it back on, only for it to flop off again. The freak curses and then takes out a hammer and nails. He nails the skin to Edward's back, oblivious to the vampire's physical frailty.

Edward's lungs are pierced by the nails and he dies of external and internal bleeding.

The freaks don't really care. Neither does the rest of the world...

**38 – That's Just Sad...**

Edward slips on a wet floor in a supermarket and cracks his skull. Even old ladies can survive that!

**39 – That's Even Worse!!**

Edward is reading one of the Twilight books and get's a paper-cut. His finger dribbles blood at an alarming rate and does not stop for about three days. After eighty five hours he bleeds to death.

**40 – Postman In Pieces**

Edward accidentally assaulted a fan girl and is found guilty. He is sentenced to a little bit of community service and is told to aid the under-staffed postal service in his town.

Begrudgingly, Edward takes a lesson on how to ride the bikes. Usually it would only take an hour at the most, but Edward is a special case and it takes two full days to learn. When he finally get's the hang of it he is assigned his first run.

All is going smoothly for him for a while, until he comes to a large manor house with a letterbox in the front compound in a fenced off area guarded by a vicious looking dog.

Edward tries his hand at his super speed, but the dog catches up with him too easily and he is forced to flee back over the fence and outside again. He realises he needs a new tactic.

Strategy was never his strong point, so he tries the same thing again...

And again...

And again...

Now feeling exhausted from his numerous sprints, Edward is pretty much done for. He can't run like that again and there is no way to just leave the parcel out on the side of the road. No...He need's to do something drastic- No, something _melo-_dramatic!

Edward climbs the fence and balances on it to walk to the side where there is a wide hedge garden. He then walks along the precarious plants which could give away at any moment. Edward walks slowly as the dog stalks him from the backyard. When he reaches a tree in the backyard, he notices a low hanging branch. He makes a leap of faith and catches the branch!

But it snaps.

Edward drops a metre and a half down to the ground with the broken branch still in his grasp.

The giant Rottweiler charges, its fangs dripping with foamy saliva as it nears him. Edward swings the large stick like a sword and knocks the cumbersome beast back, but the dog get's back on his feet in moments. Edward swings the stick wildly, keeping the dog at a distance while he slowly inches his way towards the letter box.

When he is finally there he hurls the stick to the other side of the front yard and the dog's gaze follows it hypnotically. Edward places the parcel in the letterbox and feels accomplished.

Until he realises the flaw in his plan.

Now he need's to get the fuck out of there!

Edward waits for the dog to leave to fetch the stick, but it just stares at the stick for a few seconds before returning its attention to the meaty one.

Edward squeals and makes one final dash for the fence, only to be brought down by a dog who weighs more than a Hybrid car. Edward is mauled and his bones are picked clean before being buried in the backyard.

Important note: After extensive talks with Alucard's people, he has decided to do a guest spot in the next chapter!! It has been finalized and it will sure as hell be funny!! Don't miss it or you will become a weak sparkling vampire!

Please review, Edward will spontaneously break down in tears every time this story recieves a review, so do it. Also, ever review makes Alucard more bloodthirsty! You know that's good, so click the little link below here and write a short comment. it can only benefit us both.


	5. 41 to 49

Well here we are again for another insane, violent and humourous rant about the worlds most hated vampire. Please enjoy yourself and write a review. 

**41– WTF?!**

Edward inhales the contents of a helium balloon, hoping to sound like someone who has just been booted in the testicles by steel toed boot. Instead, he begins to float away like a balloon that has escaped the grasp of a crying little girl.

At least Edward got to see the world from a few hundred metres above the earth before he was abruptly sucked into the engine of a Quantas plane.

Fortunately, when he screams, the helium takes effect and his voice is unusually higher than his already unusually high voice. He laughs for about one quarter of a second before he is cut into tiny pieces which quickly melt.

**42 – The Most Brutal Torture Imaginable**

Edward is walking down the street when he is approached by a man in a black cloak who looks rather suspicious. He asks Edward to accompany him for a test. Edward hesitates but agrees anyway.

The man leads him down an alley and into a small room built into the back of a grocery store. It is a tiny blank room with a staircase leading down beneath the shop. Edward goes down and enters a darkened room with a comfy chair under a spotlight.

"Sit." The man coaxes.

Edward does so and studies a large shape forming out of the shadows.

A large man in a medieval executioner costume approaches with a pair of large headphones. They are placed on the sides of Edwards head and he is then strapped to the chair.

Edward is now feeling afraid. He whimpers as a light is turned on and row after row of large amplifiers are revealed.

The man in the coat suddenly removes the thick item of clothing to reveal a business suit underneath. He grins wickedly and walks out a concealed door and into a glass walled room where he can see Edward clearly from behind a mixing table.

The executioner flees and Edward is left alone.

"What do you want?!"

"I just want you to listen to a song that is all." The man answers.

"Is it a good song?" Edward asks hopefully.

The man chuckles evilly and then presses a button.

There is silence for a few seconds and then the most agonising noise is forced through the headphones and straight into Edwards head. He screams as the horrible noise drones on and on.

"Please stop!!! Please!!! I'll do anything!!" Edward's pleads for mercy are met with laughter from the man inside the small studio.

The noise is so sickening that it actually makes Edward throw up all over himself. He then cries as his ears bleed.

"KILL ME!!!" Edward cries.

"Very well." The executive smiles and presses a button which makes the hideous sound come out through the large amplifiers.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Edward shrieks. He thrashes about in the chair, violently kicking and screaming in a vain attempt to escape.

The noise continues until Edward resorts to trying to bite off his own tongue to kill himself. When he fails he sobs worthlessly and lets out another loud scream.

"I HATE JUSTIN BIBER!!!!!!" Edward, as weird as he is actually has limits. Even he is sane enough to be so repulsed by this disgraceful attempt at music. Unfortunately, the damage is done. There in no turning back. He had heard too much. It was game over for him. Edward bites his tongue and then uses his pussy vampire fangs to tear it out. He bleeds to death and drowns in his own blood, finally ending his misery.

That evil executive somehow made his way to a mainstream record label and the stupid fuck-wits agreed to sell the record. Now all of Edwards fan girls are obsessed with an even greater menace.

Thankfully a few months later, a large gang of metal heads are rounded up and we march through the streets of the world destroying every record ever made and finally hunt down and kill Justin Bibber by making him watch Twilight...Then shooting him...A hundred and seventy nine times...

In case you were wondering...I hate Justin as much as I hate Edward.

**43 – No Swimming In The River**

Edward comes down-under to Australia, but no-one really cares. That means he has a lot of spare time, so he goes into the outback to see some of our wildlife.

He wanders around the bush aimlessly and finally rests beside a river. Since he is tired and dirty, he decides to take a relaxing swim in the river.

Big mistake.

A saltwater crocodile catches him in its great jaws and applies enough force in one bite to cleave the weak vampiress in two. His upper half tries to swim away while the croc performs the death roll with his legs. Unfortunately, another croc arrives to scavenge his upper body and he is drowned, mutilated and then eaten.

**44 – Bee Gone**

Edward is smelling flowers for an unknown reason and is inevitably stung by a bee who was disappointed after watching Twilight. (Yes, bees watch movies too!) Edward suffers an allergic reaction and because of his frailty he practically dies on the spot surrounded by pretty flowers.

When he decomposes, the bees make a nest in his rotting skull and make honeycombs in his eye-sockets.

**45 – Spread Your Wings And Fly**

Edward meets a Viking (Don't ask me how, he just does alright!) and enrages the Norseman. In revenge for Edwards's nasty comments about his beard, the Viking gives him a blood eagle.

**46 – Stairway To Heaven**

Edward, being a clumsy idiot trips and falls down a large set of stairs. He dies shortly after clearing about twenty stairs.

**47 – Realism**

In two years time the Twilight fad disappears and suddenly moronic teenage girls are more into werewolves which turn into puppies.

Edward, along with everyone else associated with Twilight find their source of income cut off and they must live on their stored millions. Many of them struggle to cope and several members commit suicide, hoping to cause a publicity stunt to save their comrades.

This unfortunately fails as, without were-puppies there is no sympathy from the backstabbing fan-girls.

Stephanie Myer writes a book about suicide but it does not get published and so she takes her own advice and takes the easy way out.

The surviving scum – Oh shit! I meant 'Unfortunate victims' struggle on with trying to pay their bills which because of their Hollywood lifestyle is horrendously overpriced and practically impossible to afford.

Many go on the pension and try to learn from old ladies and injured sportsmen on how to live within their means. This however is just prolonging the inevitable and the majority of them are forced out onto the street. Their properties are sold to the new stars of the Were-puppy movies.

Edward is reluctant to give up his home, but without a brain for numbers, or real estate, or money management (You know what, the list could go on forever so I'll just cut it off there.) Where was I? Oh yeah. Without proper knowledge and on account of the fact that he can no longer hire a strong legal team, Edward is soon evicted.

The stubborn fool refuses to admit that he is defeated and he tries numerous attempts at trying to claw his way back up again, but all the films he auditions for do not result in hire...Because frankly, he can't act to save his life...Literally.

It takes only the span of a few months before Edward is down to his final twenty dollars which in this day and age isn't much. He foolishly makes the mistake of buying a pizza for dinner and ends up halving his fortunes to only ten dollars.

Desperate for cash, Edward sells a kidney to the black market and donates his hair to a wig company. This keeps him going for another week, but then he's broke again. He donates blood but is disappointed to only receive a cookie, but an idea pops into his head. If he donated blood every few days, broke or not he would still get a cookie. Therefore he wouldn't starve!

Edward continues with this for a few weeks until the Red Cross catch onto his plan and decide to ban him from further donations. (That and his blood was polluted with HIV...)

Two days later Edward is found lying in an alleyway, festering in a pile of filth and garbage, wrapped in newspapers. The police are called to remove him from the streets but when they arrive they find out he had actually been dead for the past nine hours.

He is later 'buried' in a dumpster.

**48 – Realism – Alternate Ending**

When everyone is forced out on the street Edward gathers them together and they decide to make a final stand. Fight or die! (You know where this is going.) They call themselves the 'Sparkling Liberation Force' and use their final few dollars to buy guns and other weapons from EBay.

In three days the supplies are delivered and the army of twelve set out to wage war on the Were-puppy stars.

The story gets national news coverage from a leaked report and tactical police squads are deployed to the homes of the multiple targets. A large scale military blockade is formed around each. Every home is fortified and guarded by dozens of policemen and soldiers, all armed to the teeth. Snipers are placed on rooftops and in trees and helicopters and planes patrol the skies.

The Sparkling Liberation Force put on their shiny suits of war and get ready for the fight of their lives. They advance on the compound.

"We are the Sparkling Liberation Force!" Edward roars like a very angry kitten while lifting an AK-47 into the air like a flag of war. "We will not be beaten!! We will survive!!"

It is at that moment that everyone around Edward falls in a shower of blood and a rain of bullets. Edward looks down at his dead army and his face sparkles with rage.

"GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHH!!!!! I AM EDWARD CULLEN!! AND I AM A VAMPIRE!!!"

'KA-BOOM!'

A small bomb is dropped on Edwards's location and every single trace of Twilight is eradicated in an explosion worthy of an action blockbuster movie.

**49 – It Could Happen**

Edward crosses a state border and enters Texas. The gun-toting Americans despise him for making "Those blood-suckers look like cock-suckers!" Edward is lynched, shot stabbed and also called a 'Queer' before being hanged from a tree which is subsequently burned down and the ashes melted in acid.

Meanwhile, high in the sky on a private jet, someone gazed out the window at the plume of black smoke. His mouth curved upwards sharply into a sinister, fanged smile. The man flicked back his wild black locks and glared at the smoke with blood-thirsty red eyes. An equally red suit covers him and a Fedora hat of the same colour rests on his lap.

"They told me I'd have fun here...They were not wrong!"

The plane soars past and continues on towards Los Angeles.

Alucards plane is on it's way to the airport!! He's almost here!!! In fact Alucard has promised to do his guest appearance in the next chapter! 

Please review, Alucard will kill you if you dont!


	6. Special! 50 The King Has Landed

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!! It's finally here!! Fuck yeah! Enjoy and please review!

**SPECIAL CHAPTER!!!! 50 – THE KING HAS LANDED**

Edward is flying back home after a trip to the UK for the launch of a new Twilight movie. As his plane hovers over the run way, a blanket of squealing fan girls can be seen. They are like a plague of locusts...Young, fit, noisy, irritating locusts.

A squadron of policemen are forced to push them back so that the plane can land, though the cleared area is only big enough for one plane...and there is a mysterious private jet behind Edwards's personal plane.

Edwards's plane lands in the centre of the human sea and the girls start climbing over the plane to try and get him. They swarm over the aircraft like ants on a carcass.

Edward hides in his the cabin of his plane, though it is not for the girls. There is something else he can sense...Something terrible (Not terrible as in Twilight, more terrible as in completely fucking evil.)

"Sir, you need to get off of the plane. There are other crafts trying to land." The pilot tries coaxing him off but her refuses to budge.

"No...We can't let that jet land! It'll kill us all!!"

"Mr Cullen we need to evacuate the airspace. Please get off of the plane."

"NO!!! You can't make me go out there!!" Edward squealed.

"What are you? Gay?" The pilot asked

"Have you been listening to me?! There's a monster on that jet!! A true monster!!"

Tired of the games, the pilot tried to drag Edward out but a struggle ensued. The two men grappled but were interrupted by the most awful sound they had ever heard and no it wasn't Justin Bibber. It was the sound of...Well...they weren't exactly sure...

"What the hell was that?!" The pilot asked fearfully.

"It's him!!" Edward whispered harshly.

The pilot walked over to the window and raised the blind to see a dead teenager splattered on the glass. He screamed and fell back. He crawled to another window and looked outside to where the other jet had crash landed. The flaming wreckage was releasing thick columns of smoke and amidst the rubble and the thousands of corpses, one man stood alone...

"Don't let him see you!!" Edward screamed, tackling the pilot to the floor and closing the blinds.

"What is he?!"

"He...Is...Death!" Edward sobbed.

The pilot was about to argue further when he was cut off by the sound of gunshots and screaming. He hazarded a glance outside and watched in stunned horror as the man in a blood red suit began shooting down every single human being on the runway.

"My god!! He's a monster!!"

"What did I say?!" Edward growled.

"Stop him! You're a vampire aren't you?!" The pilot yelled.

"Well..." Edward muttered.

"Go out there!!"

Edward was about to protest when the glass behind the pilots head shattered and the pilot's head exploded, showering the whole cabin with brain matter and skull fragments.

"I know you are there!" A booming voice came from outside. "I have you cornered, vampire!"

Edward felt his bladder give way. He began sobbing like a little girl while the hunter strolled casually through the sea of death he had himself created. "Go away. Go away! Go away!! Go away!!" Edward rocked back and forth chanting it to himself as if the pitiful mantra would somehow make the monster just turn around and leave, sparing his life.

There was no such thing anymore. All that awaited Edward was death...Death at the hands of the greatest vampire of them all! The true no-life king! The beast that scares death itself! The one and only immortal...ALUCARD!!!

His footsteps on the stairs were almost deafening, but it was nothing compared to the sonic boom created when he kicked door off of its hinges. The thick steel portal crumpled and was thrown off into the opposite wall with enough force to make it go through the wall and land outside.

The plane buckled under the impact and Alucard gave a deep, menacing chuckle...the last noise many, many people ever hear.

Edward yelped like a scared dog and cowered under a seat, though his erratic breathing was a dead give-away.

"What kind of vampire are you? You hide behind an army of defenceless mortals inside a weak, flying fortress. You are the weakest, most despicable creature I have ever come across!"

Edward flinched from the words.

"But..." Alucard raised a finger and grinned. "You are a vampire after all...Let's have some fun!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Edward crawled away from his executioner, though heading towards the back of the plane was only trapping himself.

Alucard strode over and grabbed his foe by the back of the head. He lifted him up and then hurled him into the back wall of the aircraft. The wall split open like cheap tissue paper and Edward fell several metres down onto the hard tarmac.

Alucard jumped down and resumed his creepy, casual walk towards his prey.

Meanwhile, Edward used his one functioning arm to drag his broken body towards safety...Only 10000000000000000000km away. The fall had completely dislocated one of his arms so it now hung floppily from his side. His shoulder blade was upside down and his arm stretched out across his back in an agonising stretch. One of his knees had shattered into a hundred tiny pieces and his leg was so horrifically twisted that a shard of bone was poking through a ragged hole. As he did his sad, disable army crawl he left a pool of blood behind, like a snail's trail.

Alucard stopped at the foot of the puddle and stooped down to get a closer inspection. A long tongue snaked out and lapped up a sample of the puddle and then retreated back inside his mouth. He licked his lips several times and suddenly had a perplexed expression.

"This blood is different to most vampires...It tastes more sweet...But there is an ashen aftertaste that is absolutely disgusting. You are not pure. You are just trash!"

"I'm a real...Vampire!" Edward stammered.

"Rubbish!" Alucard spat the mouthful of blood at his opponent's feet. "Show me you are a true vampire! Heal your broken bones and stand up!" The blood red warrior crossed his arms and waited impatiently.

Edward just stalled for time by making his skin sparkle to appear as if he were actually doing something.

"You sparkle?! A vampire that sparkles?! This is shameful!!" Alucard bared his fangs and roared at his despicable foe.

"A vampire must be graceful. We don't want to look like vile beasts. We should look beautiful while we commit our violent acts." Edward tried to defend himself, but Alucard merely laughed mockingly at him.

"Beautiful? You call this beautiful?! To me, beauty comes from the rosy red flow of blood as it gushes like a deadly waterfall... Sparkling will _never _be beautiful!!"

"How ghastly. You look like a homeless thug in a cheap red coat and hat you probably picked up at a Salvo's store! You hideousness has made you inferior to me!" Edward crossed the line there. He stepped on one too many toes.

Alucard's hair flopped down over his face and he suddenly fell silent. For a full minute and half, there was no noise or movement in the entire area. Even the wind was holding it's breath for the unnerving silence.

Then it happened.

"Ha ha ha ha." Alucard's chuckling was so quiet it was almost a whisper, but it got progressively louder. "Ha ha ha ha ha...Mwahahahahaha Ahahahahahahahaha AH AH! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" The sickening laughter soon became deafening, like constant thunder strikes were coming from the insane vampire. He was laughing hysterically now, his shoulders heaving. He stretched his arms out and opened his hands while he laughed, staring at the heavens. He howled with delight, like a maniacal hyena. He eventually centred his gaze on Edward, with glowing red eyes. His grin was so wide his face could barely contain it. The king of all evil gave one last boisterous laugh while his body became enveloped in a dark red aura.

"Inferior?! I'll show you the might of a true nosferatu! Prepare to die lowly scum!"

The sky darkened and Edward soon realised the grave mistake he had made. He had brought the apocalypse upon himself. No matter how strong he perceived himself, Edward had well and truly been defeated.

"I'm sorry." Edward whispered just before the swirling mass of darkness devoured him.

A scream unlike any other echoed throughout the area and cruel, sadistic laughter carried on the wind throughout the surrounding city of Los Angeles.

Alucard disappeared into the night, leaving behind the massacred legions of fan girls, policemen pilots, airport staff, citizens and a pile of scraps that used to be a very inferior vampire.

The moral of the story – True vampires are monsters. They are badass, bloodthirsty demons bred only for the destruction of man, not to befriend them. Also, the greatest vampire of them all is Alucard. All hail Alucard and may his wrath bring suffering and agony upon his enemies!

Alucard is currently looking for a towel to clean himself. If you could give him one he would be ever so grateful. Anyway, how was that? Did you like it? I had so much fun writing it! in fact Alucard had so much fun he said he wanted to do a few more guest shots, so keep your eyes open for more in the future. 

Please review! 


	7. 51 to 60

I'm taking a short break this chapter. Please enjoy this chapter, brought to you by The Layman.

_Hi there, I'm Sir McMullen's good friend from the States, The Layman, and I hate *shudders* __Twilight__, just as much as (if not more than) Alex does. So, these are just some simple way for Gayward to die. Enjoy._

**51 - You're giving us a bad name!**

It was a day just like any day in Forks, Washington; the clouds blocked out the sun, the air was so moist you got drenched just walking two feet, and Edward Cullen was continually proving the need for his extermination by merely existing. However, this day was different from the other because Edward got a telegram!

Yes, a telegram (because I think we already did the 'letter" shtick). Edward hadn't gotten a telegram in many years, so naturally he squeed like the hive-minded fanggirls that devolved into existence due to _his _unwanted existence before he opened it.

"Dear Mister Fag-We mean Cullen!Stop." he read. "Please come to that field where you and all your gay-We mean _'vampire'!_friends play that improbable version of baseball at MidnightStop. Come aloneStop."

Being the idiotic boob that he is, Edward immediately raced out of the house and headed for the field, not caring that he was supposed to wait for midnight. When he arrived he found that no one else was there yet, so he just plopped himself down on the grass and grinned like an idiot, waiting for midnight to come.

Eventually midnight came and Edward was still alone. Then, after the twelfth stroke, figures began appearing out of the mist (or fog, whatever floats your boat).

"Oh, there you all are," Edward said in that effeminate way that he does, "did you all come to tell me how thparkly awthome I am?"

"No," the haughty, regal voice of (inner) Moka Akayashi from Rosario + Vampire said, "we've come to make you learn your place!" She swiftly kicks him across his head and he goes flying into a tree.

"You've been giving us other vampires a bad name," Angel (from both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and his self-titled spinoff) said, anger raking through his voice. "You have to die."

"But I've done so much for us," Edward pleaded in a _very_ pathetic manner, "Vampires are more popular than ever before, people love us!"

"That is Why you must die." the grandaddy of all vampires, Count Dracula himself, sneered. "Vampires are creatures of the night! We should be feared, not loved. Women should tremble and children should cry at the mere thought of us! But you, _you_ have defiled our legacy in the vilest ways possible; you are tender to humans, refuse their blood for that of _small animals_, you try to model your life after theirs. You even have the dysfunction to walk in the sun, and worst of all..."

"YOU FUCKING SPARKLE!" the entire crowd yelled.

"You're even worse than the Count Von Count," Kaname from Vampire Knight said.

**(Meanwhile, on 123 Sesame Street...)**

"Achoo!" sneezed the Count. "One Sneeze, ah ah ah!"

**(Anywho...)**

"B-b-b-but," Edward stammered, "I'm what every girl dreams of, I'm a soft pillow of love in the night, I'm _Sparkly!_"

Sweatdrops all around.

"You Earthers call _this _a Vampire?" Todd the Wraith from Stargate Atlantis asked. "I've seen _infants_ more dangerous than this thing."

"Is he even a real vampire?" Edward asked no one in particular.

"More so than you are," Alucard from the Castlevania series pointed out.

"Now, you die!" Dracula commanded, lunging at the poor, insignificant excuse for a nightlight.

And just like that, all the assembled Vampires fell upon Edward and began tearing him limb from limb in their own special ways.

Angel drove a steak through his heart, sending fountains of blood squirting out.

Inner Moka delivered a kick to his head that completely shattered it.

Alucard used his sword to separate Edward's limbs from his body.

Kaname clawed at whatever other extremities he could, soon leaving Edward more red then the pasty white/salmon color he was before.

Todd sucked whatever life he could out of Edward, then gave it all back when he thought it tasted strange. This was good, however, because it set him up for...

Count Dracula, who grabbed his shattered head and yanked it from his broken body, spine and all (Mortal Kombat style).

Satisfied that the pretend vampire was utterly destroyed, the group began to melt back into the fog (or mist) and headed back to their own cities and the like.

The moral of this story; If you mess with perfection, be prepared for dire retributions from all those who _weren't_ smoking weed when they decided to write a teen romance.

**52 - ...And us as well!**

As Edward was trimming his lawn with safety scissors (because he wasn't grown up enough to use a lawnmower), he looked up to see an ocean of men almost as big as his throng of mindless tween girls was.

"Hello there," he addressed the mob, "can I help you?"

"We are the Disgruntled Boyfriends of the World," their leader says. "And we've come for you, Edward Cullen."

"Really?" Edward asks, becoming increasingly giddy. He never really liked the fangirl anyway and a chance to mingle with his favoured gender excited him.

"Yes," another member of the coalition says, "we've tolerated you for long enough, but not it is time for you to pay!"

"Sure thing," Edward says as he takes out his wallet, completely missing the point, "how much?"

"We want our girlfriends back, man!" a third voice said from somewhere in the crowd. "Ever since they read that godawful book you came from, they just keep telling us how much they wish we were more pasty skinned."

"Or more effeminate."

"Or stared at them in their sleep more."

"Or had gay, sparkly skin like you do."

"We've had enough!" the leader said again. He held up what appeared to be a can of generic soda, "So from all of us to you, Edward Cullen, drink up!"

"OK!" the false vampire said, taking the soda can and downing it in one swift gulp. The leader pulled out a radio.

"OK Charlie," he said into the radio, "Let 'er rip!"

_"Rodger that,"_a voice said over the radio. A moment later, an arrow embedded itself into Edward's chest. For a moment he thought nothing of it, until (you're already way ahead of me by now, right?) it sparked to life and ignited the Nitro Glycerin that he just drank.

Eventually, the property fell into decay becasue A.) nobody wanted to buy a house with such a disgusting corpse out front, and B.) nobody wanted to go a hundred feet of said corpse to remove it in the first place.

**53 - Divine Judgement.**

One clear summer day Gayward was just walking down the road when he was struck by lighting and disintegrated.

Apparently, God doesn't like Twilight any more than any halfway sane person with half a brain.

**54 - Over-the-top Gameshow**

Edward was _so_ lucky; he'd actually been chosen to be a game show he'd signed up for at the request of some of his fashion conscious sheep. He hadn't bothered finding out what the show was actually about (because he's just a tool like that), so he was a bit surprised to find out that it took place in Japan.

As he got off the plane he was immediately glomped by the Asian chapter of his brain dead followers. By the time he pried himself away from the hive entity, he was already five hours late for the show. _No matter_, he thought, _I'll just go there tomorrow._

The next day he actually made it to the studio on time (despite getting hopelessly lost outside his hotel room for about five seconds that morning). When the show started and his name was called out, he squeed like the little schoolgirl he is and skipped onto the stage where he was told that he had to walk across a tightrope... over a pool of acid... with rocks tied to his arms..._and_ dodge fireballs. All in a thong.

Needless to says, he didn't even get three steps before he lost his balance and fell into the acid.

Soon after the show was globalized.

**55 - Too well done**

Edward was throwing a barbecue and got impatient for the grill to light, so got every flammable liquid he could get his sparkly girlish hands on (lighter fluid, gasoline (or petrol), napalm, and beer, just to name a few) and poured them all onto the grill and lit it.

Instant Edward flambé. (You know that's right!)

**56 - Divine Judgement II**

Edward was walking along one day when a giant meteor crashed down where he was standing, killing him instantly.

Surprisingly, nothing else was harmed (except for a wayward Justine Beaver fan who happened to be standing too close to Edward at the time).

**57 - BOOM! Headshot!**

Edward was out in his garden one day, wishing that he bought red roses instead of white ones (you already _waaaaay_ ahead of me with this, right?).

Unbeknownst to him, a kid down the road just got a new, fully functioning Longshot sniper rifle from Gears of War. Feeling the need to try it out, the boy looked down the scope and pulled the trigger on the first obvious target he saw.

Now Edward had red roses.

**58 - Chainsaw lubricant**

The kid from #57 howled with delight as he opened the package of his new Lancer (also from Gears of War), now with working chainsaw!

Looking for something to try it own, he suddenly spies Edward in front of his mailbox and runs towards him. Just as Edward turns around the boy brings down the Lancer across his torso, neatly cleaving it in a diagonal cut from shoulder to waist.

Unfortunately, Edward's shiny gay blood causes the Lancer's chainsaw to rust and become usuless, prompting the kid to send out for _another_ weapon...

**59 - Ur hed asplode!**

...Which promptly arrives two weeks later. This time it's an Offical Gears of War working Torque Bow. (You see a pattern here?)

_Better to stick with ranged weapons,_ the boy thought, _they won't rust as easily._

Spying Edward trying in vain to pull his front door open (it clearly says "push", idiot), he charges up the Bow and lets a bolt fly. The bolt lodged itself in Edward's skull and exploded four seconds later, taking the head and that _hated_ face with it.

**60 - OW!**

Again, the same boy sees Edward a week later, sunning himself on his front lawn. Fed up with that sparkly faggot vampire the boy leaps over the fence, runs up to Edward, and curb stomps the bastard's head.

Be very jealous. (And don't even think about trying to denying it, you all know you wanted to.)

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, there you have it. I don't own anything that you might recognize, or most of the stuff you don't. _

_Anyways, whoever might be reading this story, __**PLEASE**__ refer it to other Twilight haters. I mean come on, how are we going desensitize the world to the utter abomination that is Twilight if we don't band together?_

He's exactly right! Now I'll be taking the reins next chapter but if you have any more ideas, I'm open to suggestions. Now review already! Do it, do it!


	8. 61 to 70

Yay! More Edward bashing, mashing, slashing, crashing, slicing, dicing, fighting, lighting and murder! Mwahahahaha! I'm back in the front seat to bring you more obscenely violent mayhem! Enjoy!

**61 – I've Got A Feeling**

In a move to get more teenage girls to buy cars, Toyota sponsors twilight and asks edward to film a commercial for them.

Edward accepts, happy to get his fugly face back on TV screens everywhere.

When he arrives at the Toyota dealership he finds a stunt driver doing tricks. A spokesman approaches Edward and shakes his hand.

"Hello. You part in this is simple really. We take a few shots of you inside the car, the stunt driver does a few tricks but it's cleverly edited to look like you're doing it. Next we show you outside the car doing the jump. You know, I've got a feeling, Toyota!" The man performs the well known jump, sticking his arms out and tucking his knees up.

Edward frowns. "Won't I look silly?"

"You're used to it aren't you?" The spokesman asks.

"What?" Edward whines indignantly.

"I never said anything."

"Oh..."

Later, when the majority of shooting is done, Edward prepares for the jump. He stands where he was directed and stares at the camera-man. "Promise not to laugh?" The camera man does not respond. Edward shrugs and does the jump, absentmindedly forgetting to stick his arms out.

"Wrong! All wrong! Try again!" The spokesman growls.

They did another take...Then another...Then another...Then another...Then – Oh for fucks sake they did seventy five takes!

The stunt driver complained about wanting his lunch but the spokesman insisted that the shooting had to be completed before they could eat. The stunt driver retreated back inside the car and snarled.

"Ok...' The spokesman pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "One last time. Get it right please."

Edward nodded and watched the recently hired choreographer perform the jump. He nodded again and prepared for his moment to shine. He leapt off of his feet and did it perfectly. He did it! He finally did it!

But then the stunt car ran into him while he was still airborne. He slammed into the windscreen and was hurled high up into the air to land on the concrete several metres away.

A long silence stretched on until the spokesman clapped. "Cut...that's a wrap people."

The ad was a huge hit. Teenage girls did not buy more cars, but the number of male car buyers quadrupled afterwards. The car that did the damage sold at auction for two million dollars, it is now in a museum.

**62 – Music To My Ears**

'Hammer Smashed Face' by Cannibal Corpse...Yeah...It's uh...It's pretty bad.

**63 – Music To My Ears Again**

'Rancid Amputation' by Cannibal Corpse...I think it's getting worse now...

**64 – Music To My Ears (Still?)**

'Edible Autopsy' by Cannibal Corpse...Have you got a bucket?

**65 – Please Stop!**

'Charred Remains' by Autopsy. Please help! I'm stuck in a loop!

**66 – That's It!**

I could go on forever with this pattern so I'm gonna shorten it. The entire discography of Cannibal Corpse, Autopsy and all Brutal death metal, Goregrind, and Deathgrind and Deathcore songs in existence. There. That saved a few hundred thousand pages.

Have fun Edward.

**67 - ****Man's Best Friend**

Edward retires after the thrid Twilight move is filmed. He uses his meagre millions to buy a mansion on an offshore island where he also buys a legion of chihuaha puppies. (Don't ask me why, he just does!)

He lives there in seclusion for many years. The ocean breezes do wonders for his weak lungs and his patheticaly pale skin becomes a crisp tan. On this island it seems life is perfect...And it remains that way for seventy years.

On his hundredth birthday Edward is so overwhelmed by receiving a card from himself that he has a heart-attack. He grasps his chest and groans pitifuly as he leans back and forth in his rocking chair. He reaches for the phone but his weary, bony arms cannot reach. He cries out to no-one and doubles over, falling from his chair and headbutting the floor.

"Help!" He rasps, draggin his sorry self over to the phone. On his way his energy runs out and he slumps over, lying still on the floor. He cries out one last time and the pitter patter of footsteps brings hope to him.

It's his chihuahas. Edward smiles warmly at them as they crowd around him and begin nuzzling him. He reaches out ot pet one, but the tiny dog snaps and bites him. Edward yelps, frightening the others into attack mode. He is then mauled by the yipping legion of ravenous canine killers (That can also fit in a tea cup.)

It is not until twelve years later when the house is put up for resale that the agent finds a bleached white skeleton sprawled on the floor, coated in dog pee and tiny, tiny toothmarks.

Remember kids...Chihuaha's are fucking dangerous! They may be cute when you're young, but when you're old they will chew you up and bury your bones in the back yard. Don't say I didn't warn you...

**68 – Party Time!**

Edward goes to a teen party. Apparently he was hired by the father to entertain the kids. Edward takes out his cellphone and rings the father just to make sure. "So I was hired to entertain some kids?"

"Oh yeah! My daughter love you. Brokeback mountain is her most favourite movie!" the father exclaims.

"I wasn't in that movie. I was in Twilight."

"Huh?"

"Twilight." Edward repeats himself.

"Twilight Zone?" The father asks uncertainly.

"No Twilight!"

"I thought that was a book."

"It's a movie as well!" Edward snapped.

"My word, what has this world come to..." The father trailed off. "So five o'clock ok? See you then."

The phone dissconected and Edward sighed. Why didn't the world recognize his genius. It wasn't fair! He would show them! He would show them all...

...One day. For now he had a kids party! Since he wasted his cab fare on lunch he had to walk there, taking just enough time to arrive at five o'clock. Edward knocked on the door and it automatically swung open.

"Hello?" He called out.

The lights turned on and suddenly dozens of people sprung out from behind a couch to yell, "Surprise!" Everyone frowned at the unwanted guest. The father stepped out and dragged Edward inside.

"Quick, we don't want to ruin the surprise!" Edward was shoved into a cupboard and he waited five minutes in complete silence. When nothing happens he steps out of the cupbard and begins to whine.

"When do we surprise her?" Edward looks around and notices everyone still hidden. A little girl is standing in the middle of the room with a frown on her face.

"Surprise?"

"Dammit!" Everyone roars and in a matter of seconds Edward feels the collective glares of twenty people. He hides his face ashamedly and sinks into a couch.

"Can I have a drink?" Edward asks.

The father nods and descends into the kitchen. He arrives a minute later with a bubbling glass of clear liquid. Edward studies it curiously. "What is it?"

"Lemonade." The father replies with a sinister smile. He rubs his hands together as Edward drinks it.

When he's done, Edward wipes his lips and smiles. For several seconds he laughs giddily before falling over and passing out.

Several hours later edward wakes up in a basement chained down to a bed. He looks around nervously and cries out for help. A door in the distance creaks open and the birthday girl approaches him.

"Oh thank god. Please help me!"

The girl giggles. "I can't. You're my birthday present, Eddie and I'm never gonna let you leave."

Edward cocks his head. "Say that again?"

"Daddy locked you up and now you're never going to leave! We can play Twilight forever, just you and me!" The girl does her annoying high pitched laugh again and Edwards eyes narrow.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Edward strangles himself with the chains and commits suicide. His corpse can still be hired for birthday parties though it is more often than not used as a pinata. In fact that gives me an idea...

**69 – Thwack!**

Edward is hung from a tree and lollies are shoved down his gullet. If the hanging or the choking on lollies doesn't kill him, then the little kids that beat the shit out of him with sticks will. Edward the human pinata, frankly it's a mess to crack him open and the candy tastes awful after being inside him, so I wouldn't bother, but beating him with a stick is still fun!

**70 – Fucking Idiot!**

Edward is dared $5 to balance on a coffee table with one leg and hold his breath for five minutes straight. Needless to say by the fifty second mark he falls and bangs his head on the corner of the table, knocking himself out permanently.

Oh well. At least we keep the $5!

Well that was fun wasn't it? Don't miss the next chapter! Now review! Spread the hatred of Twilight and spread the puddle of blood at Edwards feet! Mwahahaha!


	9. Special! 71 to 80 Bleachicide

Here we are again for another collection of depraved and retarded deaths for our most hated vampire in the entire world. This is a special chapter devoted to my favourite anime/manga. Enjoy!

**Special Chapter - Bleachicide**

Edward is taking a stroll down the park one day when he spots a set of oriental sliding doors.

_The fuck is that?_

He thinks to himself. Curiosity killed the cat, so they say but according to the worlds dumbest vampire: "I'm not a cat! I have nothing to fear! Ha ha ha!"

(Yeah, I want him to die already too, but it's about the journey so shhh!)

Edward approaches the floating doors and pushes them open.

**71 – Sucked In**

Edward stumbles into a strange corridor. The walls are made of a strange fleshy substance that is constantly melting away and replacing itself. Edward reaches out to touch it and instantly his hand disintegrates. He screams and jumps back, learning his lesson.

He follows the straight corridor towards a bright light at the end of the tunnel. As he nears it he hears a loud grumble behind him. He spins on his heels to see a bright light hurtling towards him.

Edward tries to outrun it to the exit, but he fails. His body is consumed by the janitor and Edward is trapped there for eternity until he dies.

**72 – Flowers ****Can ****Be Deadly**

Edward makes it through the horrifying corridor and bursts through another set of oriental sliding doors. He trips on his own feet and face-plants just a few feet away from someone. Edward looks up and grins sheepishly, but the man is in no mood for fun.

A stern frown is stuck on his face and cold blue eyes focus on him. Edward finds himself fascinated by the man's hair-clips and his pretty scarf, but then the absent-minded tool spots the katana resting against his side.

Edward slowly gets on his feet, now staring at the sword. He takes a cautious step back and then smiles. "So what movie are you from?"

The man glares at him. "Movie?"

"Yeah. This is a film set isn't it?"

"Film set?" The man repeats uncertainly. "Who are you?"

Edward scoffs and sticks his nose up high. "How can you not know who I am? I am the greatest actor that ever lived!" (That's all lies, but anyway, on with the story.) Edward gives a poorly acted scary face and introduces himself. "I am Edward Cullen. A Vampire!"

The man sighs. "I am Byakuya Kuchiki. As head of the Kuchiki Family it is my duty to keep worthless scum from ever setting foot on my land. Leave now or face the consequences."

Edward chuckled. "Ooh, is this a fight scene? Come on! I'll take you on!" Edward bares his fists and takes up a flawed fighting stance.

Byakuya draws his sword and holds it flat in front of his face. "Scatter...Senbonzakura."

Edward stares at the sword which breaks into hundreds of pieces, all of which resemble flower petals. Edward grins. "Pretty...But I can beat that! Here is true beauty!"

Edward closes his eyes and for a moment nothing happens. After a while his skin begins to shimmer like the surface of a lake at sunrise. Technically speaking, still nothing has happened. "You jealous?" Edward coos like a bitchy schoolgirl. "Yeah, you totally are!"

Byakuya extends a hand and the pretty flower petals surround Edward. Edward, being an irresponsible idiot tries to pick one up, but is shocked to find it slices through the palm of his hand. He yelps like a scared kitten and tries to flee, but the wall of razor edged flower petals has surrounded him.

With no escape, all Edward can do is scream while they slowly encroach upon him, until they make contact. In a matter of seconds, Edward is mincemeat.

Byakuya orders a low ranking officer to clean up the mess and then disappears.

**73 – Worst Case Scenario**

Edward escaped the dangai and enters a large courtyard. It is empty and since he is in need of answers, Edward sets off to find someone who can help. It is so awkwardly silent that edward begins reciting some of the cheesiest lines from his new movie. Even he think's it's stupid after a while and so he stops.

He then resorts to singing a stupid little song about being the most beautiful in the world. Five minutes later he overhears someone else nearby singing the exact same tune. They both run up to each other and nearly collide, but they both stop just in time.

Both me look each other up and down, head to toe.

Edward studies the man who is wearing a black kimono and has a sword by his side. He has straight black hair and extravagant feathers protruding from his eyebrows.

"That's pretty...But I'm prettier!" They both say at the exact same time. They both scowl and then repeat the line again, once more in perfect unison.

"Dammit!" They both curse.

"You're a pale, ugly tramp!" Yumichika snaps.

"Your face looks like a peacock's ass!" Edward yells.

"You're ugly!" They both yell at the same time. There is a short pause before they both add, "Bitch!"

Both of them are growing impatient now. They have to end this argument quickly. Thankfully, Yumichika knows how. He draws his sword and hacks Edward to pieces. "I may look like a peacock's ass...But now you look like dog food! HA!" Yumichika strolls off and returns to being the arrogant, self-obsessed ego-maniacal jerk he always was.

**74 – Stealth**

Edward stumbles around a corner and finds himself faced with an army of ninjas. A small woman is at the head of the unit and she is wearing a white coat, a symbol of her high ranking. One hand has a black and gold gauntlet which shines in the bright sunlight.

The woman glares at Edward and in the blink of an eye she disappears!

Edward is too slow to work out that she is right behind him and before he can react the stinger at the end of the gauntlet is stabbed through his spine.

The woman draws it out and prepares to stab him again, but Edward has already passed out and dies shortly after.

Soi Fon, disappointed with her opponent storms off, cursing under her breath.

**75 – Outmatched**

A bee lands near Edward and he runs off screaming. He inevitably runs into someone...Someone huge. Edward is thrown to the ground and as he recovers he takes notice of the ringing bells.

___Do I hear wedding bells?_

Edward looks up at the giant man who has tall spikes of black hair, all with a little bell on the end. A light breeze makes the individual spikes sway, ringing their bells. The man's face is utterly terrifying. Manic, pin-prick sized pupils glare at Edward and the fanged grin growns wider, creasing the scar that runs up his cheek and over one eye. His weathered skin looks like worn leather, but Edward is too scared to point out any of the man's flaws.

"Who are you?" The monster asks.

"Who am I?" Edward bursts out. "Who the fuck are _You?"_

The monster chuckles menacingly and draws his jagged, rusted katana. It looks like it's in even worse shape than it's master and with many more scars.

"I'm Kenpachi Zaraki and I'm gonna kill you!"

Edward's already pale skin turns ten shades whiter and his body trembles uncontrollably. His eyes dart about frantically and he begins whimpering.

Kenpachi approaches slowly, the blade raised above his head. He stalks his prey with a wicked smile, laughing to himself and mocking his weak opponent.

Edward struggles to his feet and rolls aside just as the jagged blade soars through the air and slamsdown on the empty space where Edward once stood. The blade buries itself in the ground and dust and rock are spewed into the air.

Eddward does not wait...He runs...Well, he bolted.

Edward had never run so fast in his life. He turned to look over his shoulder and noticed the man was just standing still. He gripped his sword with two hands and roared. A flaming yellow aura enveloped him and as he swung his sword, it unleashed a large yellow blast.

Edward screeched and dived to the ground as the searing blast went past him and exploded against a tall building. The tower shattered in the explosion and rubble rained down all over the place, trapping Edward who curled up in a little ball and sobbed worthlessly.

"Found you!" Kenpachi's deep growl made Edward scream.

The terrified, worthless little 'vampire' stared into the glowing yellow eyes of his executioner.

Kenpachi towered over him, his sword raised. Edward closed his eyesbut it did little to help. Kenpachi sliced off both Edwards arms first. Edward thrashed about, kicking wildly, so next he lopped off his legs. Edward rolled about crying, the noise so awful that Kenpachi no longer found it fun. To finish things, he swung his blade down, creating a large explosion that not only killed Edward but blew his frail body to pieces.

Zaraki strolled off with a fanged grin.

**76 – Cruel Canine**

Edward is ambushed by a team of samurai, all wearing black kimonos. Edward curses and bares his fists.

___This can't get any worse..._

Unfortunately for Edward...it can.

A massive shadow falls over him and the weak vampire spins on his heels in time to face a giant fox-man that is standing behind him. The fox man reaches out and grabs Edward, lifting him up to his mouth and taking a bite. Half of Edwards's midsection comes away and Kommamura swallows it, hurling the rest of him to the hard ground.

Edward, now missing half of his vital organs and about three bathtubs full of blood dies almost instantly.

A week later, Kommamura sees a Soul Society vet and is diagnosed with worms. Now we know to cook 'vampire' meat before eating it.

**77 – Boiling Point**

Edward thinks he is alone in this strange new world on account of not seeing anyone at all after wandering around for an hour. Convinced he is alone, he sits down on a rock wall and sulks. He remains there staring at his shoes, oblivious to the towering inferno raging around him.

Slowly he realises it's getting unbearably hot and he wipes bucketfuls of sweat from his brow. Eventually he realises the ring of fire around him but by then his skin is melting. Edward tries to scream, but hot air rushes through his lungs, burning them from the inside. They burst and the hot air escapes into his other organs, singing them and making a soupof his innards. Edward throws up this gut soup and then falls to the ground which has become a hotplate of sorts dude to the intense heat. Edward is melted into the ground and eventually he looks like a half-cooked pancake.

Nearby, an ancient old man waves a hand and the flames dissipate, drawing back into his sword. The old man glares at the disgusting mess and walks away to find a cleaner.

**78 – Lab Rat**

Edward is bored shitless so he enertains himself by making his skin sparkle. Unbeknownst to him, the wall behind him crumbles and an odd looking man steps out from hiding. He has black and white face paint and a vile protruding grin that give him the appearance of a creepy clown. He sneaks up behind Edward and laughs.

"Sparkling skin? Intriguing...I must investigate."

"Huh?" Edward was not listening.

Mayuri grabs his arms and drags the poor vampire into a large room. He then opens a trapdoor and drags Edward down below to a secret laboratory where Edward is subjected to various scientific experiments (*Cough* Torture *Cough*) He is skinned alive, dissected, vivisected and definitely murdered. Needless to say, Edward never sees the light of day again.

**79 – Dodge This!**

Edward runs into a teenage boy with orange hair. They both stare at each other in silence.

"What's your name?" Edward asks.

"Ichigo Kurosaki..." He replies cautiously. "And you are?"

"Edward Cullen. You may have seen me in Twilight?"

Ichigo's eyes widen and he cries out in alarm. "AAAAAAAGGGH! I hate that movie! Get away from me!" Ichigo turns around and runs but Edward follows, for some reason desperate to change the boy's mind.

Ichigo orders him to go away but Edward follows blindly. "You'd love the movies if you gave them a chance." He says, trying to defend the awful piece of shit he calls a movie.

"NEVER!" Ichigo roars taking the gigantic, guardless sword from his back.

Edward stops dead in his tracks and wonders to himself: ___Why didn't I see that earlier?_

Ichigo hold the sword out defensively. "That's it...I didn't want to have to do this, but I have no choice...I shall rescue the teenage girls of the world by freeing them from your bad acting and stupid sparkly skin. I will defeat you!" Ichigo roars as a blue aura envelops him. His blade is surrounded with similar blue energy and he leaps high into the air.

"GETSUGA TENSHO!" Ichigo roars, unleashing the mighty blast on the unsuspecting Edward. A great explosion destroys everything within a kilometre radius. Edward is destroyed.

As prophesised, the death of Edward cures the corrupted mind of teenage girls and sales for the twilight books and movies drops so suddenly that Stephanie Meyer is forced out on the street. She starves in three days time and with her death, the curse is stopped forever.

**80 – No Escape**

Edward has a premonition of 71-79 and decides to stay on the safe side. He finds another set of sliding doors and leaves Soul Society and returns to the World of the living. The exit leads him out into the middle of a highway and Edward is run down by a semi-trailer.

Well, I think Edward has suffered enough in the Bleach universe. Next chapter will be back to normal (Was it ever normal?)

Please review, spread the hate! 


	10. 81 to 90

Well, this psychotic little piece of crack and sadism is coming to an end. Not much further to go. Please enjoy this chapter and make sure you review!

**81 – Get Over Here!**

Edward encounters the yellow ninja from Mortal Kombat, Scorpion. Before he can do anything, Scorpion performs his special move. You know what I'm talking about dont you? (Title was a dead give-away.) Anyway, after being impaled on a dagger attached to a length of rope, Edward is dragged over to Scorpion who beats the living shit out of him. In fact he beats him so hard that Edwards' body explodes and his bones fly out all over the place in a fantastic shower of blood. For some reason extra arms and legs fall from the sky.

Afterwards, a deep booming voice growls, "Scorpion wins...Brutality!"

**82 – Ice Ice Baby**

Edward get's hired at a local supermarket. (Don't ask me why a celebrity would get a job at a supermarket okay, just read the damn thing!) After failing the checkout training and also failing the stock training Edward was sent to the butchers section where he was paid $10.50 an hour to cut up dead cows and put the remains in a tray and slap a price tag on it.

On his first day in the freezer room he was scolded by his supervisor for trying to sit on the table.

"Don't ever touch the table with bare skin. This place get's so cold it will burn your flesh right off!"

Edward winced from a vivid image coming to mind and he took the advice well...For a few days.

On his fifth day of work he forgot his gloves as he went into the freezer room. It was when he had slammed the door shut behind him and looked down at his blue palms that he realised his mistake. He ran to the door and tried to turn the handle, but being bare steel it was frozen and burned like acid.

Edward reeled away from the door and bumped into a table. He stuck a hand out to stop himself from rolling on top of it, but that only made his hand burn. He cried out in agony and tripped on his own feet to fall on the icy floor. He face planted and immediately propped himself up, though not before his nose and cheeks melted into the floor.

Edward clawed at his ruined face and fell backwards, bumping into a rack of cattle carcasses. One of them fell off of the rack and landed on top of him, pinning him to the floor. The icy surface burnt through his back and soon he lost his life due to a mixture of hypothernia and severe burns to his internal organs.

**83 – Hooked**

Continuing with the premise that Edward works in the butchers section of a supermarket, Edward became close friends with his co-workers. (Yeah I'm confused as to how as well...)

One day when all the work was done, someone decided to play a game of basketball in the freezer room. A hoop was set up on the wall and a basketball was stolen from the toy aisle. The game was going fine for a while. The only issues were the numerous OHS breeches, but otherwise, nothing bad.

That was, however, until edward tried to do a slam dunk...Gone horribly wrong...

Edward soared through the air towards the hoop, but he ended up going off course and headed towards a meathook on the same patch of wall. Edward let go of the ball and screamed in panic. It was too late to stop him, too late to save him...Edward landed face first on the meat hook, the sharp piece of curved steel burrowing up through his open mouth and protruding from his left eye. He spasmed awkwardly for way too long and soon enough the workers were forced to put him out of his misery by slitting his throat with a butcher knife.

By the way, today's special is Edward fillets.

**84 – Wow...Just...Wow**

Edward goes to a wax musuem and finds a wax sculpture of the Prince of Darkness, the one and only, Ozzy Ozbourne. Since he's a tool Edward had no idea who the man was, but was amazed nonetheless at the amazingly sculpted work of art sitting on a bench.

Edward sat down next to him and chuckled. "It's so life-like...It's almost as if-"

"RAAAAAGHH!" Ozzy sprang into life suddenly, giving Edward the fright of his life...Which was cut short very quickly when he had a stress induced heart-attack.

Ozzy had a quick laugh until he caught on that this was serious. To spare himself any trouble, he ran. He was stopped by several guards but after giving them a demo of "I wanna hear you scream" the guards were so impressed they forgot why they stopped him.

Edwards corpse was discovered soon after and he was propped up and stuffed. He is now on permanent display in the wax museum.

**85 – Devil May Kick Ass**

Edward was thirsty so he went into a rundown little pub and ordered himself a mojito (Is that spelled right?) As he sat down alone at the bar he noticed a man sitting alone in a corner booth, sipping at a strawberry sundae. Edward frowned and turned to the barman.

"When did you start selling sundaes? I want a sundae!"

The barman crossed his arms and sighed. "Look miss! I only make sundaes for that guy!"

"Why only him?" Edward whined.

"Because he orders it every time...And I sure as hell don't want to fuck with a guy like that!" As if on cue, the silver haired man rose from the table and left, leaving them with a fierce glare before setting off.

The barman leaned over the table and whispered. "You know he comes here drenched in blood sometimes..."

Edward gulped and hurriedly finished off his drink. His phone rang and he took it out. It was Bella's number. He pressed the answer button but the caller immediately hung up. He frowned and put his phone away.

The next day Edward was woken up by his phone ringing again. This time it was Jacob. Again, he answered the phone only for the caller to hang up. Edward cursed and turned his phone off.

This time he was hungry so he went to a pizza store down the road. Again, by chance he noticed the silver haired man sitting alone, this tme munching on a pizza. The sight of his striking red coat brought back bad memories of an encounter with a creepy man named Alucard. It made him shudder and he quickly ordered his pizza and left.

He ate it alone in the alley, but soon he was joined by none other than the man with the red coat. Edward looked up with a moronic smile. "Howdy!"

The man gave no reaction and instead asked a question. "Have you heard about the vampires that are living in this city?"

Edward smirked. "Why, yes I have."

"Do you know someone named Edward Cullen?" The man asked.

"Why yes I do!" Edward exclaimed. "But first, what's your name?"

The man hesitated and then shrugged his shoulders. "Dante." He murmured. "Now when did you last see him?"

"About two seconds ago I think." Edward replied cockily. "In fact he's right here."

"Where?" Dante asked impatiently, reaching for the guitar case on his back.

Edward sighed. "Oh, are you going to play a song for me?"

"Where is Edward? Answer me dammit!" Dante roared.

Edward shakily raised a hand like a child in a classroom. "I am Edward..." He whispered.

Dante looked him up and down and then undid the guitar case. Rather than take out a guitar, an oversized broadsword came out.

"What's that for?" Edward asked, just before he was sliced clean in half. His upper body rolled about crying. "Oww! It hurts!"

Dante reached into his pocket and took out two automatic pistols. "I am Dante, and I'm here to hunt down the vermin that infest this city!"

"Then why are you targeting me?" Edward cried, only to be shot in the ear. He sobbed pathetically and waited for his end to come.

Danted loaded both guns and then opened fire, emptying both cartridges before stopping. He put his guns in their holsters and put the sword back in his case, waiting for the smoke to clear. When it did he smiled at the gooey mess that was left behind.

The moral of the story is (Wait, is there even a moral to this? Wait...Where was I?) Oh, yes, the moral of the story is...Devils may cry, but not over Edward.

**86 – Moron**

Edward is coerced into train surfing. Needless to say, it doesn't go well...Even the most able of douchebags eventually succumb to defeat in this sport.

**87 – Too Fast, Too Stupid**

Edward receives a ridiculously large sum of money for showing his pathetic self in another awful rendition of Stephanie Meyer's 'vampire' chick flicks.

As an arrogant and stuck up asshole, he felt it was the right time to buy an obnoxious symbol of his wealth in the form of a sports car.

After about twelve minutes of deciding (The only knowledge he had of cars was from one episode of Top Gear.) He bought a Nissan GT-R and took it for a spin.

Ironically, it did spin...Off a freeway...Into a telegraph pole...Edwards dead.

**88- Horny (Not in that way!)**

Edward was walking down the street when he encountered a young girl with pink hair and what looked like cat ears. Edward approached her and on closer inspection realised they were actually small horns.

The girl realized she was being followed and stopped in her tracks. She turned to face Edward and stared at him with big red eyes.

Edward tried to think of something to say. He assumed it was one of his many fangirls and decided to pull the same stupid line he always did to get attention from the mindless 13 year old girls.

"Are you afraid of me?" He asked in a pathetic girly voice.

The girl frowned. "No." She said flatly. Edward chuckled but was interrupted when she asked him something. "Are you afraid of me?" She whispered menacingly.

"Huh? Why would I be afraid of you?"

The girl sighed. "I am the doom of all mankind."

Edward mock screamed and then laughed. "That's a good line! What movie is that from-" Edwards head detached from his shoulders and lowered down near his chest so that he could watch invisible arms tear his chest open and yank out his internal organs. Before his life faded away, the girl used her invisible hands to grip each side of his head, jamming a thumb in each eye to get a better grip. She then grunted as the hands tore his head in half as if it were a phone book.

Lucy strolled off casually.

**89 – Horny 2 (In a different way, but still not that way.)**

Edward falls onto a rhinoceros and is impaled on it's large horn. Ouch!

**90 – Classic**

Edward is hung, drawn and quartered for his crimes against humanity, I mean bad films. Either way...That's nasty...But justified!

Well, there are only ten more deaths to go. I've got four or five planned already, so any last requests will have to be sent in fast. As for Warhammer and gears of war, I know nothing about it except for those chainsaw guns, but that's already been done. Besides that, any other requests will be most welcome.

Please review!


	11. Special! 91 Battle Royale

Well here we are for more darkly funny crack! Fans of Battle Royale will be pleased with this one and everyone else should be pleased as well, I mean as long as Edward dies at the end right? Anyway enjoy and review!

**91 – Battle Royale**

The societies of the world were falling apart. Civilisation was in a time of unrest because the fifteenth Twilight movie has been released. Unemployment was rife and a total lack of authority had run ranpant throughout the worlds most powerful nations. They needed something to stop this situation from getting further out of hand...Something drastic.

A UN meeting was held and the worlds leaders decided on a necessary course of action...The Program. It was agreed upon that one country would hold a televised contest that would frighten the world into respect and order. The country which held the Program would be decided by drawing straws...America had the shortest straw.

And so it was decided, that the US government would find a group of individuals who were all well-known. A group of people whose suffering would definitely be noticed. After long debate, the chosen few were...The cast of Twilight, the film that had been a constant hit among rebellious teenage girls. Their deaths would bring order back to civilisation.

Four days after the decision was made, the chosen few were gathered and sent on a flight to what they were told was a Hollywood party. They were drugged mid-flight and woke up on the Island which was never named, ensuring no-one would find it and be able to rescue them (Not that anyone would, but who know what a wild little teen girl might do?)

The group were assembled in a classroom. Wide eyes and curious stares abound as they took in their surroundings.

"Please be seated." An old Japanese man walked in casually, his footsteps deafening in the silence that surrounded him. The Americans requested help from the Japanese as their unemployment rates were so low they could not find anyone to do the required jobs. The Japanese accepted and offered what it could, resulting in a Japanese man in charge of affairs on the Island.

"Where are we?" Stephanie Meyer asked. "I have books to write, money to make-"

"Silence!" The Japanese man roared. For a moment his face was frozen in his grim, hate-filled glare, but then his expression softened and he smiled. "You have been chosen for the Program."

"Program?" Alice repeated. "You mean we're on TV?"

The old man nodded and took out a remote. He turned around and placed a video in an ancient VCR and then switched on the equally ancient television.

Onscreen, a bubbly, scantily-clad Japanese girl appeared. "Hi! You've been selected for the Program! Yay!" She performed a star-jump and then went on. "You exploits will be televised in hopes it will fix our fucked up society! Yay!" She performed a little dance. "Have you noticed your cute new collars?"

Everyone looked down and noticed the steel collars around their necks. Edward reached out to touch his but was stopped by the woman on-screen.

"Don't touch 'em! If you try to remove the collars, your head 'asplodes! Ha ha ha!" She then made an overdramatised 'Boom!' while throwing her hands in the air. "Anyway, you are currently being held on the Island. There is no escape, because as I said earlier...Boom!" She dragged her index finger across her throat to signify death.

"What the hell is this?" James growled. "What are you going to do with us?"

The Japanese man rolled his eyes and unpaused the video.

"Enjoy your stay here, because only one of you will ever be able to leave! Ha ha ha!" The girl giggled like a little schoolgirl and then grinned. "You are all trapped here. You will be given a survival pack and sent out into the wilderness where you will hunt each other down until there is only one survivor!"

"WHAT?" Everyone gasped.

"Aww." The girl sighed. "Don't worry. This will save humanity! And good taste!"

"Why are they doing this? I don't understand!" Rosalie whispered to Emmet.

The Japanese man scowled and took out a thin knife which he hurled at her. The blade caught her in the forehead and she slumped over immediately. Everyone screamed and the old man walked over to her. He stomped on her face as he yanked the blade out. Everyone screamed again.

"Shut up or I will kill another one!" The man snarled.

Everyone went quiet. The video resumed.

"So, when you receive your pack, head out and take out! Oh and if nobody dies in any 24 hour period, then all the collars will explode. They will also explode if you head into the forbidden zones which will be located on your maps. Bye bye!" There is a brief pause before the girl adds. "Remember, be safe!" She laughs hysterically and then the video cuts off.

"Any questions?" The old man asked.

Jacob raised his hand. "What's the point of all this?"

The old man glared at the shirtless moron and reached into his pocket to retrieve another remote. "Put your shirt back on you hideous son-of-a-bitch!" Jacob folded his arms and trie dto act cocky, but it was his funeral, literally. The old man pressed a button and Jacob's collar beeped several times before exploding. Blood sprayed out like a hideous red fountain and the deceased tool's head fell off and rolled around on the floor.

While everyone was panicking, the old Japanese man rolled in a trolley with large backpacks on them. He took off the first bag and called out a name. "Esme Cullen." The terrified woman collected the bag and headed outside.

"James, Victoria, Carlisle, Emmet, Alice, Bella, Edward." They each rose form their seats and rushed to the front of the room, eager to escape the classroom at the very least. They collected their bags and either ran into the forest, or waited for allies to arrive.

Edward huddled in a corner and waited for some of the others to find him. Alice, Bella and Emmet met up with him and they headed outside together. Right outside the building they found the corpses of Carlisle and Emse, both hacked to pieces.

"Bastards! I'll kill them for this! We weren't supposed to fight each other, but I guess we have no choice." Emmet searched through his bag and found an axe. He took it out and ran off in search of James and Victoria.

The three girls (Yes, that's right) left behind fled to a small cave where they slept.

The next day They were forced awake by the blaring alarm coming from large speakers set up everywhere on the Island. The old man greeted them and then there was a pause. "It's time to count the dead. So far we've got: Rosalie Cullen, Jacob Black, Esme Cullen, Carlisle Cullen...Oh and this morning, someone's already busy. Victoria has just been butchered. For those of you still alive, play safe. Ha ha ha ha!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Stephanie his inside an abandoned house. A typewriter caught her eye and she took tth chance to write her final bestselling piece of crap.

* * *

In a nearby tavern, Jasper fiddled with the handgun he had received, trying to figure out how it works. He only knew how to use props, not real weapons.

* * *

James and Laurent lay in wait, ready to ambush Emmet who had been following them for hours. He had already killed Victoria and was still hungry for more. They sat in the treetops silently.

Emmet appeared around a corner, his clothes all bloody.

James scowld and signalled to wait. They did not move until Emmet was right beneath them. "NOW!" The two men (I think) dropped down on their unsuspecting foe.

Laurent tried to pry the axe from his opponents hands, but Emmet kicked him away and swung the axe in a high arc, cleaving his head from his shoulders.

James roared furiously and took the hunting knife from his coat before driving it through Emmet's spine, paralysing him. Emmet collapsed to his knees and sobbed as it quickly dawned on him that this life was over.

James picked up the axe and stood behind his victim. He brought the weapon down on the top of emmet's head and proceeded to split it in half. Brain matter spilled out and the mutilated corpse dropped like a bag of sand.

* * *

In Edward's camp he resumed last nights activities and curled up in a useless ball and sobbed pathetically. Bella tried to console him but it was no use. She gave up as quickly as possible and went to talk to Alice.

Things were going fine until, "Oh shit. I'm itchy! I'm itchy!" Alice cried.

"What?"

Alice's hands hovered over her throat. "I have an itch! I need to scratch it!"

"No, the collar will explode!" Bella yelled. "Just leave it. Think about something else."

Alice whimpered, her eyes darting about frantically.

"Oh, scratch it for god's sake!" Edward was on his feet for the first time in hours.

"But...the collar?"

Edward smiled reassuringly. (It was so hideous it was edited out of the show.) "Trust me. I know what I'm doing."

Most people would know not to heed his advice, but being family, Alice foolishly mistook his bullshit for honesty and dug her finger behind the collar to scratch her neck. When she was done she sat back and sighed. "Ha, you were right. Now I feel better!"

Two seconds later the collar detonated, spewing blood, bone, brains and an eye or two all over Edward who shrieked like an eight year old girl playing the maze game. Edward cried so much that the collar malfuntioned and fell off, de-activated and as useless as the person who wore it.

"The collar!" Bella exclaimed. "It fell off! Maybe we can escape!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Jasper finally worked out how to fire the gun...Or so it seemed. He pulled the trigger but nothing happened. He frowned and pulled the trigger again. Still nothing. He turned the weapon around and stared into the barrel as if it were a hose in a cliché comedy sketch. He failed to notice he turned the safety off as he spun it around and absent-mindedly pulled the trigger. Jasper died shortly after learning how to fire a gun.

* * *

Twenty three and a half hours later Bella and Edward fled to the coast. They found a boat and would row to the nearest safe haven, wherever it may be. They made their way to the beach but had to turn back when they realised tthey had left the food behind. They retraced their steps and then repeated their original path, though halfway there they encountered an old friend.

"James!" Edward smiled and waved but his hand was shot off. He squealed like a wounded pig.

James loaded another round into the handgun he had found next to Jaspers corpse. "I'm gonna win!" He growled. "All I've gotta do is kill you two and then it's that Stephanie Meyer. After that, I win and I'm free! Ha ha ha!"

"I won't let you!" Bella ran off to fight because Edward sure as hell wouldn't, I mean what would he do? Slap?

Bella made it within two metres of James when he fired. The bullet lodged itself in Bella's eye and she rolled around screaming for a while until James silenced her with a second shot, this time right in the kisser.

Edward flinched when the speakers crackled. The old Japanese man sighed. "Guess what folks. It's been 24 hours since the last kill...You know what that means. If you wont kill anyone, then we will!"

James' collar started beeping. "What the fuck? I just killed-" The collar exploded and James toppled backwards.

Edward sprinted to the boat but tripped and fell, hitting his head on a rock and passing out. By the time he woke up his hand had bled so much that he died.

Stephanie meyer's collar exploded before she could finish her final shitty book. The Twilight fad successfully died out that day. The world is now safe.

Did you love it? I hope so. Anyway in the next chapter Edward travels to London to see the Queen (Well, maybe not the Queen but he's still going) and the world number one favourite vampire Allucard will be back, I guarantee you that! It's gonna be great so don't miss it!

Please review.


	12. Special! 92 to 94 Welcome To Hell

Similar to the Bleachicide chapter, this one is Hellsing's way of saying "DIE!" to the worlds most hated vampire. Enjoy!

**Special Chapter – Welcome To Hell...sing.**

Edward wakes up one morning and checks his letterbox. As usual it is swamped with fanmail from fangirls but there is one letter that stands out. It is the only one not made of pink paper or covered in glitter. It is a bland white envelope.

Edward tears it open and finds a note inside written in runny red ink that has a familiar smell. "Dear Edward, as a fellow vampire you are invited to attend the annual vampires ball in London England. It would be most appreciated if you could attend." He read aloud.

"Hmm, a party. This might be fun?"

Oh, it will be fun!

**92 – Airport Security**

Edward books the next flight to London. It is a relatively boring flight. The movie is boring supposedly since it doesnt star any talentless egomaniacs who are only famous because 11 year old girls fantasize about them. The food tastes pretty ordinary and the stewards (Edward is gay remember.) are nothing special.

When the flight lands on the runway Edward is delighted to see a guard of honour of men dressed in army fatigues and armed to the teeth. There is also a small group at the rear of the group. There is a man dresed as a butler, a woman in an old grey coat, another woman in a police uniform and a tall man in a red coat.

The red coat makes Edward feel uneasy. Nonetheless he skips off of the plane, cheering like a cheerleader on steroids. He makes it onto the red carpet and spreads his arms wide. "Hello London!" He cries.

He only manages a smug smile before he contributes to the red carpet and by that I mean the guard of honour takes aim and fires.

The group at the rear burst out laughing and then leave.

**93 – Abusive Father**

Edward arrives in London and find the airport almost empty. He ignores this and travels to a small country town to go to church. He approaches the door but is stopped by a thick-muscled Irishman with wire-frame glasses. The sun's reflection makes it impossible to see his eyes, but the way his arms are crossed he doesn't seem happy.

"Can I go in?" Edward asks.

The man frowns. "I smell a heathen." He snarls.

"No, no, it's pronounced heaven." Edward says arrogantly.

The Irishman grits his teeth and reaches into his coat. "How dare you preach the word of the Lord to me? Do you know who I am?"

"Do you know who I am?" Edward interupts.

The man bows his head and mutters a short prayer. Before Edward can inquire into what he's doing a sharp, stabbing pain catches him off guard. Edward glances down at the two bayonet blades sticking out of his chest. He tries to speak but merely chokes on air.

"I am father Alexander Anderson and I will never let you heathen scum enter my church!" Anderson yanked one of the blades out and studied the blood on it's edge. "This blood is impure...You are a vampire!"

Edward laughed. "Aha! You do know who I am!" He is quickly silenced with another bayonet through his stomach. Then another dozen in the midsection...then a nice row of four up his spine.

Edward somehow remains standing and his smug smile stille remains. Fortunately, Father Anderson has the cure for vanity...More bayonets!

One impales Edwards right eye and another embeds itself in one ear, traveling right through until it sticks out the other side of his head. Edward coughs up a bucketload of blood and his trembling knees give way. He collapses and lies at the feet of the angy paladin, awaiting his execution.

Anderson leaves Edward to suffer in agony and performs his sermon for an hour before finally returning to finish the job with a clean beheading.

Edwards body is dumped in a dumpster and is found several weeks later in landfill.

**94 – Vampiress (No, it's not Edward!)**

Inside the Hellsing headquarters Seras Victoria faced Integra Hellsing. The leader of the Hellsing organisation sipped wine while swivelling in her chair. She gazed across the table at the young police girl standing before her.

"Police girl...I have an urgent mission for you."

"Yes lady Integra." Seras answered.

"You may have heard that the annual vampires ball is to be held tonight."

"I thought that was just a joke?" Seras muttered.

"It is, but it is to bait a well known vampire we've been aching to take down since he first appeared. He is going to attend the party tonight and I want you to personally take care of him." Integra explained.

"Take care of him? I thought you wanted him dead?"

"That's what I meant!" Integra snapped.

"Oh, right...Sorry." The police girl blushed.

"Now, your target is Edward Cullen. He hasn't physically killed anyone yet and we don't think he ever will, he's too spineless to carry out such a task. Nonetheless, he has made many people dead inside which is just as serious as real murder."

"How does he kill people inside?" Seras cocked her head.

Integra smiled cruelly and took out a remote. A screen lowered from the ceiling and a projector played a scene from Twilight. It only took twelve seconds until Seras was screaming for her to turn it off. Integra pressed another button and the screen rose back up into the ceiling.

"Now do you understand?"

Seras nodded while wiping tears from her eyes. "That man...Such a horrible film..." Seras grabbed a bucket and threw up in it. Walter escorted her to the medic leaving Integra to enjoy a fine cigar, confident that the police girl would carry out the mission successfully.

Later that night Seras prepared herself for the party. She planned to seduce Edward and lead him up to a private room where she could kill and dispose of him without making a scene. That way the party would still go smoothly.

Even if it was just a ploy, some notable vampires were coming. Seras laughed at the realisation that even the terrifying monster, Alucard had friends.

Seras slipped into a tight fitting red dress with a long split up one leg. She contemplated wearing contacts to hide her red eyes, but soon remembered that her target was a vampire as well, so there was no reason to hide it from him. Seras placed a thin flick-knife in a small sheath on her hip. She smield at her reflection and giggled. She was ready to party!

Alucard was waiting for her downstairs. He escorted her to a limosine hired for the night and the both filed in and drank blood cleverly disguised as red wine.

When they arrived Seras was amazed at the number of other fancy vehicles out the front of the hall. There were horse drawn carriages, fancy sports care, limos, foreign cars more expensive than houses and a few steeds tied up to a railing.

"Wow...this is a great turn out isn't it master?" No response came. "Master?" Seras whirled around but Alucard was already gone. She overheard his insane laughter and looked over at the No Life King catching up with a bony old creature with a pointy nose.

When she approached him Alucard grinned, showing his brilliant fangs. "Ah, Police Girl, meet Nosferatu! He is a close friend of mine."

The withered old being waved timidly and greeted her with a thick German accent. Seras waved and studied the other vampires. She could see Selene from Underworld, Moka from Rosario + Vampire and Buffy and Angel.

There were old vampires she had never seen before as well. Dried up, wrinkly skeletons with fangs too big to fit in their mouths. There were ancient women with flowing grey hair and piercing red eyes. There were even wild vampires there. Several pale creatures walked around on all fours, sniffing around peoples feet and making strange noises. One of them approached Seras and she obligingly patted it's head. The creature howled delightedly and scampered off.

"Hmm...Nice vampire..." Seras whispered to herself.

A terrifying screech emanated from a large group nearby. Seras stared at the assembled vampires. There were legendary creatures from around the world. There was a trio of Alguls chatting wildly with Khang-Shi, a Chinese demon.

The Count from Sesame Street was sitting on a bench reading a newspaper. "One. One missing person. Two. two missing persons-" He read aloud...Very aloud.

The groups began to pakc together as another horse-drawn carriage arrived. Awed silence ran through the crowd as the cabin opened and Count Dracula himself stepped out. There was applause and cheers and joyous greetings from everyone. The wave of excitement was getting too much for her so Seras backed away from them and stumbled into an old man who fell to the ground. Seras bent down to help the man but screamed at the sight of his mangled hand. Several fingers were missing and the rest were useless little stumps wrapped in bandages. His face was scarred and he looked to be in a lot of pain.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry! Let me help you up." Seras lifted the man into a seated position and someone else arrived to pick him back onto his feet. Seras looked up at the stranger who bore an uncanny reselmblance to her. "Hello..." Seras murmured slowly.

"Be careful you dizzy blonde!" The other girl snapped. "Arkerley isn't the most capable of vampires !"

"Hey! I bumped into him by accident! And don't call me a dizzy blonde! You look practically the same as me!"

"Who are you?" The girl asked.

"Who are you?" Seras replied.

"What's going on here?" Alucards distinctive booming voice made Seras squeal. She flinched and was surprised when she wasn't hurt. Alucard stood beside her, his head leaning to one side. "Police girl, are you fighting with our guests?"

"I-" Seras began.

"She ran into my friend here. Don't worry it was only an accident! He he he!" The other girl was now acting completely different.

Alucard leaned in close and studied her. "Are you related in any way?"

Seras denied the claim for her and tried to change the subject. "So...What happened to that man?"

Arkeley scoffed and glared at her. "I have a name. Honestly, this is stupid! I've been hunting vampires my entire life and now I'm here celebrating their existence with the wretched creatures themselves!"

The girl patted his shoulder and smiled. "Well that's what you get for turning into one of them then isn't it?"

Seras looked around nervously but was dragged back to the odd couple when the girl extended a hand.

"I'm Laura. Laura Caxton. This is my former mentor Jameson Arkeley."

"Seras Victoria. That scary guy earlier is my master Alucard."

Laura chuckled. "It's funny. I've been terrified of vampires for so long, but the people here are so nice. Where I come from vampires are ravenous bloodthirsty monsters who kill anything that moves."

Seras nodded. "Vampires are bloodthirsty monsters that kill anything that moves, but we take care of our accursed brethren as long as they stay in line."

Laura's flesh paled. "Thanks for the tip. Now I feel worse."

"Don't worry, vampires wont hurt vampires!" Seras reassured her.

"Oh shit!" Laura trembled. "I'm a regular human!" She whispered harshly.

Seras thought for a moment and then clicked her fingers. "Stick around Alucard. He will make sure no harm comes to you."

"No!" Arkeley interrupted. "I'm not talking to these foul beasts. They can drink and kill all they want as long as they stay the hell away from me!"

Seras frowned. "You mentor seems a little angry."

"Well, you would be too if you lived Arkeley's life. He's been a vampire hunter for most of his life. In fact his fingers are missing because a vampire bit them off. The bastard was going to sacrifice him to ressurect more of his blood-sucking pals but we saved the day and killed them all!"

"Oh..." Seras nodded but froze with her head down. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted him. Her target was here...Edward Cullen! "Excuse me." Seras muttered as she pushed her way through the gathering crowds to catch up with her prey.

She lost him and resignedly entered the hall along with the rest of the crowd.

After several hours of drinking alone, Seras spotted Edward sitting at the other end of the bar.

___Now is my chance! I have to try and seduce him..._

Seras pushed her chest out and sighed but Edward did not even look once. Seras then leaned over the counter exposing her cleavage, but again Edward did not look. It seemed she would have to get his attention first if the plan were to succeed. She rose from her seat and then took one next to the lonely, pathtic looking vampire.

"Hi there." She said seductively. Edward glanced at her for a few seconds and then looked down at his drink again. After a moment he got up and left. Seras bowed her head and groaned. "Damn! I need a drink."

A young vampire swooped over her with a fanged smile. Seras shook her head and he trudged off, disheartened.

Seras looked around and found Edward speaking with Alucard. There was something weird about the way he spoke...it was as if-

"Oh fuck!" Seras blurted out way too loud. Her cheeks burned red and she hid her face fr a moment before looking back to her master and the prey.

_Edward is...He's flirting with master Alucard! Now wonder I couldn't seduce him..._

Seras hopped off her chair and strolled dazedly over towards her target. She was wobbly in her high heels after having so much to drink. She stumbled over and draped an arm over his shoulder. "Hey there. You ran off from me earlier. What's your name?"

Edward snorted. "How can you not know who I am? I'm only the most famous, most power, most prettiful vampire to ever live!"

Sweatdrops all round. Seras suppressed the urge to gag.

"I...Am the great Edward Cullen!" He spread his arms wide apart and his skin began to sparkle.

___A sparkling...Vampire? Is everyone else as offended as I am? This is an insult to our kind! I have to complete the mission fast! Alright...desperate times call for desperate measures._

_"_Oh, I'm so tipsy!" Seras deliberately tripped over and fell into Edward, knocking him into a door to another room. Seras opened it and they both fell through. Seras purposefully poured her glass of blood all over Edward.

The pathetic vampire squealed at the sight of the mess and ran off to clean himself up. Seras jogged after him with a wry smile.

Edward ran into an upstairs bathroom and tried to clean up the blood stains with tissues. Seras toppled through the door giggling like a steroetypical blonde chick at a party. "You! You ruined my outfit!" Edward whined.

"Don't worry about it." Seras cooed. "No-one will notice...Especially if you dissapear."

Edward frowned. "What did you just say?"

Seras chuckled menacingly as her right arm became a mass of dark tendrils, writhing about mindlessly.

"What are you?" Edward screamed.

Seras smiled, showing her fangs. "I'm a vampire!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

Well that was fun wasn't it? Since this chapter exceeded my originally intended length the second coming of Alucard shall be postponed, but be patient 'cause he will be back faster than the Count can count to ten. (Yeah! Say that really fast three times!)

Anyway the countdown is up to 95 now so there is only a few spaces left. I have 3 definite ideas so far. Requests need to get in soon. I will do what I can and try to get your ideas in so hurry!

Now its time to review! 


	13. Very Special! 95 WAR

Alright, get comfy because you're gonna be here for a long time. Get ready for 10 pages of non-stop Twilight bashing chaos! I hope you enjoy because it took me ages to write this. Please review!

**95 – No Life King VS Sparkly Queen**

Edward and the cast of Twilight head off towards London for a premiere of the new movie. Edward is so excited to go to London because he heard there is a famous queen living there. (Yes that kind. He is going to be disappointed.)

As the plane soars over the great city towards the airport Edward peers out the window at a large compound beneath them. It is a giant mansion surrounded by high walls and patrolled by legions of armed guards. There is even a barracks of sorts withing the boundary of the area and currently a training exercise is being undertaken.

"That is the Hellsing Headquarters right there." The pilot explains through a radio. "They are an organisation of vampire hunters who have been protecting England from the blood-sucking scum for years."

Edward looks over to the others. They all share vicious glares.

"Of course you're all safe! You're only actors after all!" The pilot explains with a dry chuckle.

Edward draws a finger across his throat and James rises from his seat. He approaches the cockpit but is stopped by a stewardess.

"Please sit down sir. The cockpit is only for authorised per-" James cuts her off quite literally, slitting her throat with a razor sharp fingernail. (Ooh, kitty can scratch!) He then proceeds into the cockpit where he sinks his teeth into the pilot, killing him almost instantly.

Alice and Victoria pilot the plane and take her down with surprising ease. It is some time after the plane stops before they actually head off, but firstly they all gather in a small circle.

"You heard the pilot. That Hellsing Organisation has been killing our kind!"

"Our kind or theirs?" Bella asks.

"Their kind hopefully. But still, this cannot go on! For the sake of our popularity we have to reclaim this land in the name of vampires!"

"Our vampires." Bella adds.

Everyone nods.

"So, the plan is..." Edward begins. "We go to the premiere. We gather an army and then we invade the Hellsing compound! We'll kill them all or take our fans down with us!"

Everyone raises their fists and roar. The Sparkling Liberation Force is back! (Remember #48?)

The premiere has a large turnout of 11 year old girls to 13 year old girls. The swarm around their talentless idols and chant their names as if they were already an army.

Edward takes to a small stage set above the crowd and spreads his arms wide, making a show of his sparkling skin. "Welcome children. Welcome to the premiere! I hope you enjoyed the movie, but now that it is over, we have something important to tell you."

The preteen militia lend their ears to the worthless man.

"There is a gang of people who are hunting down vampires and they are living right under our nose, right here in London! We cannot let them keep killing vampires! We must band together and stop them! This is why I ask you...Will you stand up and fight for us, or will you cower in you homes cuddling a poster of one of us while we are risking our lives?"

"We'll do anything for you Edward!" The simple-minded girls cheer. They raise their hands and squeal like a million slaughtered pigs.

Edward's eyes sparkle for the briefest of moments and he grins. He has raised his army. Now they must prepare for war.

"Young freedom fighters. We shall hand out your weapons. Arm yourselves well and prepare for war!"

The girls cheer again as cast members move through the crowd handing out guns they bought with the money raised from the latest film. When everyone is armed and ready Edward gives one last address before making his skin sparkle again. The tiny female warriors salute him and then they march.

* * *

Sir Integra Hellsing takes her place upon a stage. Her assembled soldiers assemble before her. Walter, Alucard and Seras stand behind her.

"Welcome gentlemen. As you may have heard a large military force is advancing upon our location." Integra bows her head. "They must be stopped."

A soldier in the ranks raises his hand. "How many are there?"

Integra glares at him. "At last count it was about six thousand, but the number is still growing."

Frightened murmurs spread throughout the ranks. "Who are they?" Someone cries. "Aren't we the good guys? We keep the world safe from vampires1 Who would want to destroy us?"

Integra sighed. "Allegedly it is a vampire leading the army, but we have yet to see evidence of this. He has amassed an incredible army of young girls. They will be upon us within the hour."

"Huh?" someone in the crowd murmured. "Did you say young girls?"

Integra nodded. "Yes. Well, they used to be girls. Now they are fangirls. They are not even human anymore, their minds rotted away as soon as thet eyes upon their leader. They are merely shells of the people they used to be. I expect you to show the same aggression to them that you would a vampire!"

Integra waved a hand at the people onstage. "These shall be the generals of this battle. Walter and I shall lead a portion of you. We will guard the manners inner chambers. Seras Victoria shall lead a team of you to defend the front of the manor. Alucard's team shall be on the front line."

A loud chant could be heard nearby. Integra's expression darkened. "They are drawing nearer. Arm yourselves and divide into your teams as instructed earlier! Hurry!"

The troops divided into teams of 20, giving 25 teams in total. Their full army consisted of only 500 men meaning the odds were stacked against them, but then again, it was 500 heavily armed, fully trained adults against six thousand young girls holding a gun for the first time. It was too early to see victory ahead.

Ten teams went with Alucard, another ten with Seras. The remaining five joined Walter and Integra.

Alucards teams were led out the front of the manor. Two teams were stationed right at the gate, then another two teams behind them, then the rest assembled behind that.

Seras's teams divided themselves among the three floors of the manor, taking cover near the windows.

Integra's units remained within the heart of the manor and waited. They were merely support troops as long as the enemy charged through the front.

Integra took out a cigar and popped it in her mouth. She took a long drag and then sighed. "May god save the Queen."

Outside, the fangirl legion reached the gate. Edward rode on a white pony. The other cast members led their individual units to war. Edward was an idiot and knew nothing of strategy, so it came down to the women of the group to devise something clever.

Bella and Alice worked together and decided on a plan of action. Their forces hung near the rear of the main force and waited for the right time.

Meanwhile A large group of heavilly armed fangirls rammed the front gate. They threw themselves at it And used a felled log as a battering ram. The gate came crashing down and the front line rushed in.

Alucard watched on from the roof of the manor. He spread his arms wide and roared in a great booming voice, Welcome scum! Welcome to Hellsing! The words were like thunder and it made the young girls tremble, a good distraction for the front line of Hellsing troops to open fire, springing out from the hedge gardens and into plain sight.

The mindless fangirls reacted in two different ways. Some fought back, dropping to their knees and returning the fire. Others turned on their heels and ran, bumping into the fangirls behind them and creating a domino effect of falls.

The Hellsing troops made shot work of the front line and effectively tore their ranks apart with their heavy gunfire. It seemed as if the Sparkling Liberation Force would be held at the gate like a bunch of Jehova's Witnesses, but then James lead his troops in.

His fangirls were rabid little things and they pounced on the older men, tearing their throats out with hunting knives. The two teams fell to the surprising might of the fangirls and their defeat gave way to a swarm of them to head thorugh the gate, surging in like a tsunami.

The next wave of Alucards troops launched into action. They took down a large number of James' rabid little critters but it was still not enough. The oncoming waves were too much for the small number of Hellsing men to fend off against and they soon succumbed.

The fangirls advanced until a long line of marksmen appeared out of nowhere. Alucard gave the signal and they opened fire, a rain of bullets that ripped the girls to shreds. Seras' units gave back-up support by firing out from the upper floors.

* * *

Edward cursed and turned to Emmet. "What next. We've hit a brick wall!"

Emmet nodded. "Do not fear brother, I shall charge through them and lead the way into the manor."

Edward grinned. "Yes! Charge! Kill them all! Sparkle like the gods of war!"

Emmet stopped in his tracks. "Gods of war don't sparkle."

Edward scowled at him. "Who cares what they do? I sparkle!"

* * *

Alucards front line held their ground against the throng of fangirls. They were gaining the upper hand when Emmet charged through the centre of the girls, leading a team of fat girls with him.

"Fatties ahead!" One of the soldiers roared before throwing a grenade. It did enough damage to hold them off for a while, but the troops beside him began to fall and a stray, rabies infected girl pounced on him, biting his face and clawing at his jugular. He died screaming.

Seras sent some troops out to replace the fallen out the front.

Emmet's squadron of fat chicks walked up to them and created a human wall, allowing them to gain ground.

"Our bullets! They're bouncing off them!" A soldier cried as Emmet strolled up to him and clubbed him with a large rock.

James regroupsed with the last of his soldiers and filed in behind them, leaping over the fat girls as if they were a bouncing castle.

The combined forces brought the Hellsing troops to their knees but then Seras burst through the front door weilding the Harkonnen II. The two large cannons were lifted up to the stunned enemy forces. Seras smiled and let loose, unleashing the unstoppable heavy ammunition that shot forth from the wide barrels.

Emmet was hit by several shells. The first exploded through his sternum, ripping his torso open and forcing his internal organs to fall out of the gaping hole. The second hit his face and tore it into tiny pieces. The third blew off one of his legs. The resulting mess collapsed on the front steps of the Hellsing manor.

James was hit only once but the bullet bifurcated him. His upper half crawled towards Seras but she dumped one of the ammunition crates on top of him, crushing the doomed vampire.

The tiny fangirls were powerless against the barrage of heavy ammunition and those not dumb enough to stand and fight ran with their tails between their legs.

The last of the Hellsing soldiers moved around the garden and ambushed the fleeing fangirls, wiping them out.

Seras emptied both of her weapons before dumping them inside and taking out her regular Harkonnen rifle. She headded back inside.

"Well done Police Girl." Alucard praised her telepathically.

Seras giggled like a schoolgirl and jogged back to the top floor where the rest of her men were stationed.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the middle of the manor, Integra heard the back doorbell ring. She cursed and signalled for two troops to see who it was. Moments later she received a message over her radio.

"Sir, it's girl scouts. They want us to buy cookies." The soldier explained.

"Tell them to go away! We don't want cookies!" Integra snapped.

The soldiers conversation could be heard over the radios, as could their demise. Integra clasped her hands together and cursed. "A trap...Damn."

Walter bowed before her and smiled. "Shall I deal with them?" Integra nodded and walter led two teams out to the rear of the complex to deal with the invading forces.

"A pincer strike...You bastards! Just who are you?"

* * *

Edward clapped devilishly. He chuckled madly and waved his hands about like someone on 'The Price is Right'

"Bella and Alice have infiltrated the compound! It's only a matter of time before they fight their way to the front door and let the sisters in! Ha ha ha! I am the strongest vampire to ever live!" A dark cloud hovered over him after he said that. Edward laughed and made his skin sparkled. "I am not afraid of you gods! I am the greatest vampire to ever walk this earth! I am invincible!"

The figure on the roof suddenly vanished. Edwards eyes widened when suddenly the fangirls around him collapsed, body parts flying, blood raining.

"Wha-wha-what?" Edward hopped off his pony which then ran off. Edward rallied his fan girl army and they replaced those who had fallen, but a large shadow spread over them. The shadows grew eyes...Hundreds of eyes...Thousands of eyes! Fanged jaws sprouted all over the eldritch abomination and they commenced munching on the young guards. The defenceless fangirls cried out feebly as the wolfen familiars took shape and devoured them.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the middle of the swirling mass of shadows, a single figure rose up from the ground. It was the man on the roof!

Alucard kept his head down and waited until all of the fangirls where dead, then his neck head shot up and he grinned at Edward. The shadows retreated back inside of him and the demon in a red trench coat took a step forward.

"Invincible you say? Now that is something I want to test."

Edward looked around and realised everyone was gone. Victoria was storming the front entrance ot the compound. Bella and Alice were inside. The others were either already dead or in the front line.

Edward crossed his legs to hide the fact his bladder betrayed him. Tears ran down his cheeks as he cried, "Mummy! Help me!"

Alice led her troops against the senior butler but they were cut down swiftly. Alice stared at the razor wires that floated about gracefully.

"Do you know what they used to call me?" Walter asked her as he made his way towards her, walking casually.

Alice smirked arrogantly. "Was it Crone?"

Walter smiled. "No, dear. It was the Angel of Death!"

Alice's bravado fled while her body remained. She tried to run but she saw the wires wrapping around her. She cried out in agony as her limbs were torn off one by one and then her head cut up into tiny cubes.

* * *

Bella made her way around to the front door and let Victoria in. They then split up. Victoria headed towards the centre of the manor while Bella went upstairs.

Bella reached the second floor and encountered Seras. The two had a silent stand off while their troops settled their scores.

"I heard you took down our whole advance force...Impressive." Bella murmured.

"I heard you snuck through the back door and escaped to let your buddies in...Impressive."

"Shall we see who's the strongest?" Bella suggested. "But be warned, I am part vampire!"

Seras chuckled. "Well guess what, girlie? I'm a fully blooded vampire!" Black tendrils snaked out from Seras' body and shot off towards Bella who stared at them, dumbstruck. They made contact with her and dragged her towards their unholy master. When she was within reach, Seras grabbed Bella by the throat and squeezed.

Bella gasped as her windpipe was crushed under the deadly force. She kicked and punched feebly, but Seras had already won, she was merely toying with her victim...Like her master had taught her.

Seras dug her claws in and then yanked out, tearing Bella's throat open like Rambo in his latest movie. Bella dropped to the ground and wheezed as her blood spurted out in a sickening fountain. She gazed up into the glowing red eyes of her foe and realised something had changed about her. The girl she faced only moments ago had dissapeared and now a blood-thirsty demon had taken her place.

A monster and a draculina share the same body. Unfortunately for Bella, the monster had come out to play. A venomous smile crossed Seras' face as she lunged at her dying prey. She clawed at her face, gouging out her eyes and ripping out her tongue. The soldiers who remained standing merely watched on as the poor girl was mauled.

Seras threw her head back and howled with sadistic delight. She bared her fangs and bit down into Bella's throat. Blood pumped out over her lips and she sucked in greedily, draining her until she was an emaciated corpse.

Then she began to pick apart the remains until Bella was in pieces.

Her troops knew she would be a while so they set off on their own accord to hunt down Victoria's invading forces.

* * *

It didn't take long for them to find her, already locked in a firefight against Integra's troops. Victoria herself was fending off Integra's sword strikes, using her rifle as a staff. She swiped at the leader of Hellsing but the surprisingly well trained woman ducked under the sluggish strike and thrust her sword out, embedding the blade in her stomach.

Victoria cursed as blood seeped out between her teeth.

"Accursed vampires! Be gone!" Integra roared as she drew her sword out, cutting through Victoria's side until the blade erupted from her ribcage. Victoria, now half bifurcated fell back and choked on the blood that bubbled up within her throat.

The fangirl army saw their commander die and tried to retreat, but Seras' troops shot them down with ease.

The manor had been swept clean. All of the vampires had been slain...Except for one. Edward Cullen, the leader of the Sparkling Liberation Force. The foolish vampire was already doomed, for his opponent was the immortal, invincible, insane No Life King...Alucard!

* * *

Edward trembled before the red-cloaked demon. This man wiped out a thousand fangirls in one fell swoop! This man was a true monster. How could he have ever hoped to defeat such a being? Edward had bitten off more than he could chew. Not only had he sent half his fanbase to their violent deaths, but he had done the same to his closest friends and cast members. They never had a chance, they were just lambs being led to the slaughter...Defeat was imminent.

Now only Edward remained. The final crusader of the Sparkling Liberation Force. It was up to him. He had to show his true might and slay the mighty beast. He had little chance of victory, hell he had no chance of victory (In fact it would be less than zero...Seriously, Edward is fucked with a capital F!)

Edward straightened his shoulders and faced up to his foe. He tried to look intimidating, but not only was he smaller, smelling of urine and sweat and sobbing uncontrollably, he was also unarmed. He knealed down and picked up a handgun that was held loosely in the cold dead fingers of a young fangirl. He stared at the weapon trying to figure out how it worked.

Alucard observed the pitiful actions of his opponent. The mindless freak didn't even know how to fire a gun. The thought gave him an idea. What is your name?

"Edward." He asnwered nervously.

"Do you need me to teach you how to shoot?"

"No, no. I think I've got it." Edward muttered.

Alucard sighed. "It's quite simple really. You just point. Then pull the trigger." Alucard's Jackal shot off one round. The bullet hit Edward in the knee-cap and it exploded in a spray of bone fragments and tattered flesh. His lower leg was blown off and he hopped about while screaming in agony.

"Come now. Heal up and shoot me!" Alucard demanded.

Edward wiped away the tears and lined up a shot. He fired. The bullet embedded itself in Alucards left eye, smashing through his tinted orange glasses and going through to his brain. The cruel nosferatu staggered backwards but quickly gained his footing and began to laugh.

"Was that it?" Alucard taunted. "Try again!"

Edward screamed as he emptied the whole clip into the fiends face. When the gun clicked uselessly and Alucards face was a smoking wreckage, Edward fell to the ground and wept.

Alucard remained on his feet and the evil chuckle returned, only this time it was louder. It sounded as if the heavens were laughing at him. The thunderous laughter paralysed him and he was rendered powerless.

"WHAT ARE YOU?" Edward cried.

Maggots crawled all over Alucards face and then melted into normal flesh. His face now restored he took out a spare pair of tinted glasses and stalked his prey.

Edward begged for mercy but Alucard replied by blowing his other leg off. Edward crawled away while sobbing hysterically but Alucard reached him in no time and lifted him by the hair. He lifted him until he was off the ground and then drew his free arm back. Edward begged for forgiveness but Alucard just spat in his face and laughed mockingly.

Vampires are not merciful. If you were more than just a lowly freak you would understand. You are the scum of the earth to our kind. You are nothing but vermin. A pest! Alucard spat the words with pure venom. Prepare to die!

"NOOOOO!" Edward shrieked as Alucard drove his hand through his stomach and out the other side, impaling the worthless vampire. Edward shuddered and his whole body began to relax. Alucard slammed him into the ground and snaked a hand into the wound and yanked out one of his organs. Edward's eyes widened at the sight of his own heart.

Alucard looked at it with utter disgust. "What is this? Vampires have no need for a heart! You are truly not one of us. You are no stronger than a human!"

Edward couldn't respond. His senses were abandoning him slowly as the torture resumed. He was getting sleepy and so he closed his eyes. A loud gunshot and freh waves of pain brought him back and he found he was now missing one of his arms.

Alucard picked up the missing limb and used it to slap Edward senseless. Edward reached out to block it but Alucard grabbed his wrist and twisted it until a gratifying 'snap' was heard.

Edward squealed like a butchered pig. Alucard stomped on his shoulder and disconnected arm at the shoulder. He then tore it off with his bare hands. Edwards cries died in his throat and he sobbed silently while Alucard played with his severed limbs.

Rigor mortis struck one of his amputated arms and Alucard used the rigid fingers to poke Edward in the eyes, driving them in until they crushed the orbs of sight and splattered their gelatinous innards over his face. He then yanked the arm away and hurled it into the distance.

"You are still alive. Incredible. A humna would have been dead long ago. Let us see how much more a freak can take."

Edward couldn't refuse. He couldn't scream. His vocal chords had tightened and now all he could do was listen to Alucard's taunts while feeling every bit of pain as he was ripped apart.

His one working eye stared at the barrel of the oversized pistol that was lowered over his forehead. Edward stared down the barrel, waiting for the end, but Alucard changed his mind and jammed the gun into his working eye.

"You are blind now, scum. You will see nothing but darkness for the rest of your life and in the worlds beyond. Farewell, and don't ever come back!"

Edward never saw him pull the trigger. He never saw the muzzle flash. He never saw the cruel gleam in Alucards eyes or his fanged smile. He didn't hear the explosion. He didn't even feel the bullet as it tore through his brain and exploded within his skull. He never knew when he died. His fate was worse than death, being unaware of whether he was dead or not, forever trapped in a world of darkness and doubt. In forever lasting agony, Edward's reign of terror finally ended.

* * *

Well done! You managed to finish the chapter. I'm assuming it took a while since this one chapter was two and a half times longer than any other in this story. That aside, I hope you enjoyed it. Seras had a chance to redeem herself since many poeple were slightly dissatsfied with her fight in 'Hellsing: Operation Twilight'. Alucard had fun, I hope you did too. 

Please review!


	14. Special! 96 Zombies!

Hello again. Welcome to the next addition in my warped collection of grim deaths for a man hell bent on reducing the worlds teenagers into soppy, worthless piles of pale flesh. I hope you enjoy this one. Please review!

**96 – Zombies!**

Edward is flicking through television channels, trying to find the station Vampire Diaries is on (Ugh! I feel sick too, but I'll make it all right! Just wait and see!)but all he comes across is constant news reports.

Edward rolls his eyes and flicks through mindlessly while babbling to himself. "Lethal virus, blah, blah, blah. Thousands dead, blah, blah, blah. Highly infectious, blah, blah, blah. Something about undead, blah, blah, blah."

Edward yawns and switches the television off. His favorite thing on the TV screen (After his own putrid reflection of course) is not there. Irritated, Edward decides to go for a walk.

Outside his door he finds the postman, hugging one of his guard dogs. Edward chuckles.

_It's good those two have made up. Usually their at each other's throats..._

What Edward didn't notice was that the postman was at the dog's throat, tearing off a nice big chunk of hairy meat.

Edward continued on his walk and passed a trio of young girls stumbling about awkwardly. They stared at him with wide vacant eyes. It's obvious what's wrong with them...

_Star-struck. I have that effect on people_

One of the girls tripped and fell in the gutter. Edward walked over her, not bothering to see the ragged wounds along her back where she had been mauled by something...Or someone.

Edward continued on, oblivious to the smashed windows and ransacked buildings. He didn't even spot the bloody handprints on a window beside him. He passed a gutted fat man and assumed he was hopeless. He threw some spare change at the mutilated corpse and strolled on, whistling a tune.

On his way through town he spotted a television store by the side of the road. Several pale people were pressing their faces against the glass and moaning, presumably anxious to watch whatever was on. Edward shuffled up beside them and stared at the TV screen.

A reporter was frantically explaining a horrible pandemic. The words 'The dead rise' was written in huge bold letters and emergency warnings scrolled across the bottom of the screen.

"Impossible!" Edward gasped. He stared at the people around him, eyes wide and knees trembling. "My movie is in the discount bin!" Edward screamed, pointing to a rack of DVD's inside the store. "This is a nightmare!"

A female zombie beside Edward groaned loudly as she reached out for him.

"Grrrrrrrrrraaaaaarrrggggghhh."

Edward turned to her with a frown. "Will you shut the fuck up? God! What is wrong with you people?"

...

Several minutes of intense thinking later...

...

"AAAAAAGGGHHH!"

Edward ran home, leaving a trail of shame (Oh shit sorry, that's a typo. I meant urine.) behind him. He sprinted all the way back to his mansion home only to find he never closed the front door. He absentmindedly stormed through and slammed the door shut behind him. He dragged a table up against it and barricaded the windows.

He placed the house in a state of total lockdown. He was safe...

WRONG!

Content with his defenses. Edward stepped back to admire his work, only to bump into something soft and fleshy. He whirled around to face the postman, fresh blood and fur lining his cracked dry lips.

Edward ran into the kitchen, only to find an old man with his face buried within the stomach of a seemingly pregnant woman.

Edward threw up on the floor and leapt over it to get to the knife rack. When he had a reasonable weapon he ran over to the old man and drove the large blade through the back of his skull. The golden rule of zombie movies held true. Edward smirked.

"All right! I'll take you motherfuckers! Let's dance!" Edward charged at the approaching postman, only to slip in the puddle of vomit and fall on his arse. He freaked out more about messing up his clothes, rather than the reanimated corpse trying to eat him.

The postman grabbed his legs and bared his yellow teeth. Edward kicked and screamed like a four year old having a tantrum. When toddler tactics failed he used action movie moves and hurled the kife. That failed since the knife spun in mid air so that the handle hit the zombie rather than the blade.

Edward cursed and reached out for a stool beside him. He tried to lift it but it was too heavy so he resorted to plan E...

He made a noise so awful it made the ghouls eyes bleed and his flesh to wither. It cried out in agony as it's brain was damagged beyond repair and it died in excruciating pain.

Edward pulled himself to his feet and stared at the dead ghoul. "Thanks Justin Beiber." He murmured. As he ran up to his room he noticed more zombies. He cursed and ducked into his bedroom to change out of his vomit-soaked clothes.

The zombies bashed their fists on the door and moaned and groaned.

Edward struggled to put on his socks. "Shut up! Just wait a minute!" The knocking continued. "I said shut up! I'm not ready yet!" The knocking resumed still. "Don't make me sing again!" He roared.

The knocking stopped. Edward grinned. "Good."

Then he heard it. Ever so quiet, but definitely audible. It was a terrible whining noise, like a pissed drunk, tone deaf Micheal Jackson after having a sledge-hammer to the testicles. Edward felt what semblance of a mind he had beginning to rot and die. He plugged his ears with his fingers and stared at something in the corner of the room.

It looked like a dead cat, but how the hell did roadkill manage to drag itself into his bedroom? On closer inspection, it was merely the hair of a zombie Justin Beiber. Even Edward felt so repulsed he threw up again, but for two minutes straight (Think Team America, but minus the puppets.)

The embodiment of the total douchebag set it's vacant gaze on Edward and rose to it's feet.

Edward shook his head. "No...No, this is wrong! This isn't right! I can't let you live! Die!" Edward charged, taking out his knife and thrusting the large blade into the zombie's abominably hideous face. He then yanked it out, bile rather than blood spewing forth from the wound. Edward stabbed it again and again, cracking it's skull open to reveal an empty brain cavity. A tiny pea sized organ rolled about inside. Edward used his manicured fingernail to puncture it and cut it in half.

The zombie thrashed about for a while before laying still.

Edward spat on the disgusting creature that was possibly even worse when it was alive. He left the mess behind and stepped out the door, immediately squaring off against two zombies. One was a middle aged woman, the other, a middle aged man. The couple opened their jaws wide and shuffled over to him.

Edward screamed like a single mother at a David Jones sale and charged in much the same manner. He also scratched like a bitch, though instead of doing it to snatch a cheap dress she'll never fit into, it was to save his own life. (Still pitiful, but not as bad, I guess...)

The two zombies were scratched to death and Edward hopped over their corpses and headed down the corridor.

He reached the stair well and checked his surroundings. There were five zombies right behind him. Edward bolted down the stairs, only to trip and roll down awkwardly, breaking an arm and a leg in the process. Edward scrabbled to his feet and limped over to the living room, ignoring his right leg which was twisted 180 degrees so that his foot faced backwards.

The zombies followed. One tripped and brought another down with it, but being zombies falling down stairs did nothing to slow them down.

Edward crawled into the living room and picked up his DVD collection. He hurled them at the ghouls, but it was all in vain...Except for when he threw a copy of Twilight. It hit one of the zombies and made it skriek, steam rising from it's face. A hideous burn was left behind.

Edward got a brain wave and picked the DVD back up. He held it against the zombies, melting their flesh and killing them. When he disposed of them all Edward headed out to the window. He peered through the planks he nailed over the glass. All he could see was a sea of the undead, crowding around his house.

Edward checked another room and eventually concluded that he was surrounded. All he could do was wait for them to break in and fight for his worthless life.

Edward staggered over to the couch and sat down. His leg was so sore he couldn't bear to get back up again until it was time to fight.

Edward sat there for what felt like days, and checking with his mobile phone calendar he was correct. It had been two days. By nightfall, the house was still holding up, but Edward was getting the sniffles. By the next morning he had a cough and a sore throat. By the time the zombies broke through Edward was long dead, claimed not by the walking undead but by swine flu.

The moral of the story, wash your hands kids and get vaccinated. Oh, and if you're feeling dead, but still able to walk, you should see your doctor...Their flesh is tasty! Mwahahahahaha!

Well that was a journey wasn't it. We found out Edward's an idiot, a tool and that despite having similar goals of trying to destroy future generations, Edward and Justin Beiber are actually enemies. You learn something everday don't you, but frankly as long as they're both dead I'm happy. 

Now keep the reviews coming. There is still numbers 97, 98, 99, 100 and the big 101 to go. It's the top five so it's gonna be big! Requests are gladly accepted and who knows, it might just get into the countdown. 


	15. Special! 97 Monster Mash

Well, here we are again. Another look into the fractured, psychotic mind of mine. Horror movie fans will love this (Hopefully). There are quite a few cameos. See if you can spot them all! Enjoy and rememebr to review!

**97 – Monster Mash **

The third Twilight movie is a rating's flop as the Justin Bieber fad steals the unwanted favour of twelve year old girls around the world. Because of this problem Edward has to put his mansion up for sale.

After months of searching Edward finds a nice old style, two storey home. It looks like a haunted house, but being a 'vampire' it would be a fun novelty, at least for a while.

Edward impulsively buys the home settles right in.

While unpacking he notices some unusual things around the home. For example, there is a series of news clippings about a vicious serial killer who targetted children. There are human body parts kept in jars down in the basement. There is also a ridiculous number of butcher knives scattered around the house.

Edward thinks nothing of it and makes himself at home.

One night while watching himself on TV with a smug smile on his face, the phone rings. Without looking away from the screen he picks up the handset and brings it to his ear.

Heavy, ragged breathing is all that's coming through. It makes the speaker crackle softly. Edward raises an eyebrow and frowns.

"Are you alright? You sound like you're having an asthma attack."

The heavy breathing stopped.

"Oh, are you better now? Honestly you should have called a hospital rather than-"

"Have you checked the children?" A raspy voice like a venomous hiss interrupts him. The words are dripping with menace but the dimwitted Edward fails to notice that.

"Children? I don't have kids. You've dialed the wrong number. Bye." He hangs up on the strange caller and resumes watching the movie.

Several hours later Edward grows tired and switches the TV off. He stumbles into the kitchen and begins to notice strange shuffling sounds. He looks out the window and spots a bulky man in a hockey mask staggering towards the house. He is wielding an axe and groaning.

Edward chuckles to himself. "Stupid drunks." He shakes his head and closes the blinds. He heads up to bed where he falls into a fitful sleep.

Edward finds himself in a strange boiler room. There is thick steam billowing out from the machinery and the air is hot and ashen. Edward stumbles through a door and into a plain field. There are three young girls playing jump rope. They are dressed similarly and all look like twins. They begin to sing, a haunting song that makes Edward's skin crawl.

"One, two Freddy's coming for you. Three, four, better lock your door. Five six, grab a crucifix. Seven, eight better stay up late. Nine, ten-"

Suddenly their song was drowned out and they began to sing along to a different tune.

"Baby, baby, baby ooh."

Edward's eyes widened and he screamed louder than he ever had before...

Only to wake up covered in sweat and...What he hoped as sweat. He shuddered and ran to the bathroom where he washed his face, rinsing away the terror.

"God, what a terrible nightmare! Hey wait a second..." Edward looked at himself in the mirror and stared at the cut on his cheek. "When did that happen?" He stroked the wound gently and a large flake of skin fell off, widening the cut. Edward panicked and began to scratch it, only to tear half his face off. Tattered scraps of skin choked the sink and the bloody water overflowed onto the floor.

Edward woke up again in the boiler room, this time, rather than the horrifying song, it was the sickening scraping of metal against metal. The sound was chilling and Edward hugged himself while shivering.

The steam was disturbed by the presence of a lone figure up on a balcony. He wore a fedora hat and a dirty red and green sweater. One hand was covered by a leather glove, upon which long blades were attached to each finger.

Edward glared at the man with utter disgust. "Eww. Who would wear such an outdated sweater? That is so seventies!"

The man on the balcony stepped out from the smoke and revealed his hideously scarred face. Nightmarish burns covered every scrap of flesh and cold dead eyes stared out at his guest. A crooked nose and sharp yellow teeth completed the picture of a monster, but Edward thought otherwise.

He squinted at Freddy. "Are those wrinkles? Bloody hell, you're old!"

Freddy snarled. "Watch it kid!"

"No wonder you're wearing such out of date clothes, your an old man...A really old man-"

"Shut up!" Freddy roared, raking his claws across the railing as he descended the stairs. "Are you not afraid of me?"

Edward cocked his head. "Why would I? You're just an old man working at a factory."

Freddy cursed under his breath. "These are not wrinkles. These are burns! I am not old and I don't work at a fucking factory!"

Edward flinched. "I never knew pensioners could get so angry."

"That's it! Die you piece of shit!" Freddy dashed forward but when he was just about to claw Edward's throat out he froze. He began to glow with white light and he screamed, a tortured cry of agony.

Edward backed away, staring wide eyed as Freddy vanished and in his place, Edward's arch rival in the war for Tween girls misguided attention...Justin Beiber!

Edward screamed again and finally woke up back in his home. He got up and decided to go without sleep tonight, not daring face his feared rival. Even as a sparkly, spineless, kind-hearted disgrace of a vampire, Edward was revolted by the whiny, five year old girl who sings songs that give people diabetes and cancer.

Edward went donwstairs and settled on the couch watching TV. He calmed down enough after a short while, but when the door was bashed he jumped up in shock. He strolled cautiously over to the door and opened it a tiny crack.

There was a large framed man standing on his doorstep, a chainsaw in his hands. He was wearing what looked like a cheap, dusty old mask.

Edward opened the door and sighed. "Oh thank goodness. For a second I thought someone scary was going to show up. Anyway, you're a bit early for halloween mate. And by the way, next time find a costume that wasn't used by your grandfather. See ya."

Edward shut the door and stepped away. Seconds later the chainsaw cut through and began destroying the door. Edward opened the door again and scolded the large man who walked away with his head bowed.

"Friggin' kids these days!" Edward snapped.

After a while, he got hungry and so he walked into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and took out some leftover pizza. When he shut the fridge door there was a hook on the door. Edward gasped and dropped the pizza.

"Holy shit!" He cried. "Now I can play pirate!"

Two hours of heavilly accented "Arr's" later Edward went to bed.

The next morning when he woke up he made his way to the kitchen, ignoring the messages scrawled in blood on each wall. When he reached the kitchen a crazed lunatic appeared brandishing an axe.

"Here's Johnny!" He cried.

Edward clapped. "A house maid! Go make me pancakes!"

Johnny cocked his head, his wide bloodshot eyes straying from the stupid man then down to his axe. They switched between the two for a whole minute until his shoulders slumped and he let out a reluctant, "Ok..."

Surprisingly, the pancakes were delicious. Edward thanked his house maid and decided to go for an early morning stroll. While he ambled around the street he took notice of the creepy paparazzi who carried knives and other weapons instead of cameras. They also appeared to look more like fictional serial killers than regular paparazzi.

Edward found it odd but didn't let it detract from his walk. He continued on his way, speeding up a bit to gain some distance on the large mob of psychotic pursuers. As he walked faster, they did the same, matching his speed. He continued to go faster and faster until he was breaking into a full tilt sprint.

He doubled over and ran as fast as he could, darting around a block and through an alleyway, only to come across a pint sized Irishman with yellow fangs. Edward vaulted over a fence to the side and retreated inside the derelict building. Within the building he found a hooded man with a pure white mask, the mouth gaping wide in a perpetual scream.

Edward stumbled back outside where the large mob had doubled in size. Edward ran in the opposite direction, going faster and faster, until a second group cut him off in the middle of the street.

Effectively surrounded, Edward had nowhere to go. The movie killers closed in on him, but their desired slaying was halted when their intended victim grasped his chest and started gasping. They looked at each other with unease. Edward wheezed and dropped to his knees. He tried to call out for help but only ragged, half choked breaths escaped. Before the movie monsters could do what they wanted, Edward's heart failed him and he collapsed in the gutter.

Unlike the movie monsters, there would be no surprise revival for a sequel. This guy was dead and he was staying dead.

The movie monsters all felt dissapointed until they realized they had the whole town to prey upon now! With renewed vigour, they massacred the townspeople, leaving nothing but death and destruction in their wake.

Three months later a few hundred movie contracts bring them all back into line and they return to their days of pretending to kill actors...Oh well, at least they had their fun.

The journey is almost at an end. Only three more in the countdown. I have one definite in mind, but the other two ideas are in the maybe pile. If there is a request that gives me a slasher smile then it will go in. Send in your final requests and who knows, it might make the final cut! 

Review! Come on, you have to! You've gone this far. **_REVIEW!_**


	16. Special! 98 God Of War

Ready for another round of crazy, messed up violent stuff? I sure am! Enjoy!

**98 – God Of War!**

In an age long sicne past, in a world far from home, a very confused 'vampire' huddled in the corner of a cave. He had no idea how he got here, or even where he was. All he knew was that something strange had happened.

When the lights rays touched the mouth of the cave and yearned to wander inside, Edward made his way to the light, basking in it's warmth. His skin sparkled hideously as he took in the sunlight.

He cast his gaze down on the city below. The buildings were all made of stone and sand and bricks. There were no skyscrapers, no cars, no massive shoping malls...It was nothing like Hollywood.

Edward ventured on down into the town where he observed the people walking the streets dressed in silk robes that looked very outdated. Edward passed a woman with a see through dress and turned away, instead staring at the rippling, pale shoulders of a nearby man.

Edwards view was obstructed by another person dressed in the ancient robes. Soon it dawned on him...

"Oh shit! I've gone back in time! Now I'm trapped here in the fifties!"

(Fucking idiot!)

The bald man overheard the outbust and spun on his heels. He had dark brown eyes that held a fierce glare and red markings were painted on his scarred torso. Rusted chains were bound to his wrist guards and attached to the ends were vicious, serated blades.

"Who are you?" Edward asked, flirting.

The man said nothing and walked away. Edward followed and continued to ask him who he was. After a while the man spun around and pointed a blade at his throat. "Get out of my sight!"

"That's your name?" Edward asked curiously.

The man snarled and slapped Edward with the flat side of his weapon. Edward fell on his arse and stared up at the man.

"I am Kratos. Do not follow me further or I shall take your head!"

Edward blushed. "You're so scary."

Kratos cursed and walked off again. Edward scampered after him, whining like the kid in a back-seat car ride. Kratos grabbed Edward and began strangling him. "What do you want?" He snarled.

Edward paused for a moment and then smiled. "I want a friend."

"Then leave! I have no need for friends."

"Huh? Surely you need someone to keep you company while you uh...What do you do?"

Kratos drew his blades. "I kill!"

Edward took in a gulp of air and stared at the blades that were stained with dry blood. He wasn't kidding. "Uh, I could help you?"

Kratos glared at him silently before storming off into the forest. Edward continued to follow him, but Kratos ignored him and continued to walk. It was only four hours later that he stopped by a creek to drink.

Edward was panting like a dog and his shoulders heaved. "You're...Really...Fit..." He wheezed.

"A mere walk tired you out. You are a pathetic creature. Run along and die elsewhere, I have no need of you!"

"You are so strong!" Edward chirped. "You'll protect me won't you?"

Kratos picked up a straight branch and began sharpening one end. Edward watched with child-like fascination. "Are you making me a spear? That's so cool!"

Kratos twirled the spear around and grinned wickedly. "Here!" He hurled it at the annoying vampire. It went through his stomach and buried itself into the tree trunk behind him, pinning Edward in place.

"You threw a little too hard..." Edward mumbled, blood dribbling down his chin.

"I'm hunting. You shall be the bait." Kratos growled.

Despite the cruel implications, Edward was excited. "Yay! I'm usefull!"

There was a long period of silence until a large flock of birds fled the treetops. Kratos drew his blades and grinned. "It's coming!"

"What is? A rabbit? Oh is it a cute little bunny?"

A giant mass of fur crashed through the undergrowth and stood before Edward. It stood hunched over on bulky hoofed legs which amazingly managed to support the huge rippling shoulders of the beast. Curved bull horns protruded from it's skull and rzor sharp fangs stuck out of it's large jaws.

"It's not a bunny..." Edward murmured quite clamly before, "Help me!"

The monster reached over to it's back and took out a large rusted battle-axe. Edward screamed like a little girl as the creatture roared in his face, sending warm spittle into his eyes.

Kratos pounced on the creature's back and drove his blades deep within it's rippling shoulders. The minotaur shook it's body around but Kratos rode on as if it were a bull. The minotaur reached out for him but Kratos wrenched a sword free and hacked off the fingers of the huge hand. The beast shook fervently and Kratos rolled off into a crouch. He waited until the monster was facing him before he ran up and shoulder charged it.

Beast and man fell together and with the beast pinned down Kratos tried to ram his sword down the minotaur's throat. The two struggled, both putting all their strength into it. The minotaur was sloly pushing Kratos's arms back but he pressed down again and the blades sank further down into the beasts gullet.

The monster made horrible choking noises as it struggled but Kratos overpowered it and buried the sword down the creature's gullet, carving through it's head. He then yanked the blades sharpply to one side and then to the other, snapping it's neck and ensuring it was dead. Blood erupted from it's mouth and showered him, soaking his white flesh.

"Wow! We did it! Teamwork!"

Kratos turned away and began cutting up the minotaur corpse.

"Hey! You gonna let me down now? Hello?"

A loud rustling noise came from nearby. "Kratos, hello? I-I think I hear something...I can definitely hear something! Hey! Hey! Come on! I hear something right behind me! Help!"

Kratos lifted a blade up and stared in the reflection at Edward who was getting mauled by another minotaur. A smile came to his face and he waited for a while, rejoicing in the agonized screams of the stupid vampire.

Just when he had suffered enough, Kratos launched himself at the minotaur, wrapping a chain around it's throat and then leaping far away. The chains constricted around it's throat and knocked it to the ground. As it writhed about in agony Kratos buried a blade right between it's eyes. It stopped moving right away.

The mutilated Edward sighed. "Oh thank you...Could you please let me down now?"

Edward's torso was riped into fleshy shreds. Little scraps were barely hanging by a thread and his organs were slowly falling out through a ragged hole in his stomach. One arm was on the ground, chewed to pieces. The other was bent awkwardly and bone stuck out from the broken joint. His legs were broken and trembling. Blood soaked him, the tre and the ground.

Kratos sighed. "Very well, I shall put you down."

Edward cheered. "Yay! You're gonna- Huh? Wait a minute-"

Kratos punched a hole in Edward's chest and pulled out his heart. He then skinned his torso and legs, all the while Edward squealed like a pig.

Kratos took a long strip of flesh and then rapped it around Edward's eyes as a blindfold. Edward sobbed pitifully.

Kratos took a few steps back and then got a run up, drawing back one of his blades he slammed it's serrated tip through Edward's skull and continued on until it cut down the tree as well. Edward's head exploded in a red shower and his broken body twitched once before going still.

"You shall be of use to me." Kratos snarled.

For the next two weeks, Kratos used Edward's remains as bait to lure out the ravenous monsters that prowled the forests. It worked a treat because after a while Kratos learned that Edward's flesh was poisonous and caused the beasts to die quite quickly.

Kratos stuffed the heart in a small pouch and took it with him to Olympus where he force-fed it to Zeus, poisoning him and killing the ruler of Olympus. With him out of the war, Kratos now only regained his position as the god of war, but also the new king of Olympus.

The moral of the story kids, it's okay to use people, especially when they deserve it!

Well wasn't that fun? Anyway, this story is really drawing to a close. There is only #99, 100 and the big 101 to go. I have two ideas, but need one more, so please send in your requests. Some of them have actually been really good, but unfortunately haven't made it in. Anyway keep reviewing and keep this story going strong!


	17. Special 99! Unnecessary Vampire Hunter

Well by a majority vote, this had to make the countdown. This was one of the most requested deaths right behind Alucard. I hope you enjoy this one and please remember to review! It's your unending encouragement that is driving my murderous insanity!

**99 – Unneccessary Vampire Hunter**

Concerned heterosexuals and parents world wide decide the Twilight fad has to be stopped. It has run rampant for long enough and already flocks of seagulls- Uh, I mean Timid sheep- Um, I really mean stupid fangirls! Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, that's right! Already flocks of deluded young girls are salivating over a spineless coward with a face that has less appeal than a baboon's ass.

It is time to end the nightmare. The only way to end the agony is to take out the source of the problem. That's right. For the ninety-ninth time...Edward Cullen has to die!

It may be hard to tell without fangs, an evil glare, a merciless attitude or even a deep, brooding voice, but Edward (Apparently) is a vampire. He may look like a soppy, whining little bottle of milk but he is supposedly amongst the ranks of some of the most feared beings in existence.

The walking undead, the children of the night, the blood-sucking demons...Vampires! There are countless proposed methods ofr exterminating the cruel vermin, but only one way is sure to have definite results.

After hours of scrolling through Wikipedia, the concerned humans discovered their chance to defeat Edward...A vampire hunter!

Vampire hunters are hard to come by and there are only so many, but one stands out above them all..He is the legendary Van Hellsing! With a full arsenal of anti-vampiric weaponry and an ill-fitting fedora hat, he was very well prepared to face his foe.

A large gathering at the airport was a welcome greeting for the acclaimed vampire hunter. He thanked them and then headed off to find the beast...Well It's not really a beast...More like an annoying tool who has outstayed his welcome on this earth.

Finding his trail was easy. All he had to do was follow the scent of fangirl droppings. He scowled at another...Leaving... and clenched a fist. "This accursed bastard! His dark sorcery is destroying these girls minds and reducing them to merely their baser instincts. They behave like dogs now...Ugh!"

Van Hellsing turned away as one of the dog-children lifted her leg next to a tree and...Well you get the idea, I don't want to go into detail.

When she was done she began to run off down the path. Van Hellsing followed closely behind, stalking his prey until she led him to a large theatre. It looked quite old and even abandoned but once the doors were opened the collective screeching of a few thousand harpies made his ears bleed. He covered his ears and cursed.

When the ordeal was over he snuck inside and sighted the evil vampire sitting on a fold-up chair next to a large screen. It was a premiere of the next Twilight movie. Van Hellsing had to avert his eyes from the abominable film and ducked outside to retch.

"I have seen some hideous things in my travels...But that...Film-" He threw up again. After a few minutes of rest he heard thunderous applause and the doors were beginning to open.

_Shit! I must escape! I cannot blow my cover just yet!_

The well trained hunter leapt into the air and grasped a low hanging tree branch. HE then swung up itno the air and somersaulted into a higher position. He then used the vantage point to leap across onto the roof of the abandoned theatre. He watched silently as an endless stream of giggling fangirls stormed out.

He too out his crossbow and loaded an arrow into the ancient weapon. He spotted his target several times, but closer inspection revealed it was merely another fangirl that looked like the effeminate celebrity. He cursed and kept his eyes open for the prey.

When all of the fangirls had headed out (Or so he thought) he jumped down and headed inside. He found Edward sitting in his chair, issuing commands to a dozen or so fangirls.

_He's recruiting them? Despicable! I shall take your head!_

Van Hellsing stolled cinfidently towards them and announced his presence. "I am the legendary vampire hunter, Van Hellsing! I am here to take your life, wretched vampire! Face me and you shall die!"

Edward laughed mockingly. "What a lame costume! What movie are you from? Girls, show him the exit."

The fangirls seemed to miscomprehend his order and timidly pointed to the door.

Edward cursed and slapped one of them in the back of the head. "Not literally you stupid idiots! Force him out! Now!"

The bumbling minions rushed forth but Van Hellsing fired off two bolts, the first striking a girl in the eye and flinging her back several metres, knocking down her comrades. The second hit another girl in the chest, killing her.

The other ten scrambled ot their feet and charged forward. The experienced vampire hunter took out two bladded discs and hurled them at the group. They carved through an unfortunate trio and then arced back around to return to their owner.

"Kill him already!" Edward whined impatiently.

The remaining seven gained ground on the warrior who drew a long sword and ran through the front runner. He anked the blade free, cutting uo through her ribs and bursting out in a shower of inhuman blood. As the dead fangirl collapsed her sisters lunged at their foe.

Van Hellsing rolled aside of the majority of them but one latched onto his back and dug her baby teeth into his skin. They broke against the leathery skin of the hunter and he effortlessy grabbed her by the head and yanked her around to his front. She snarled and screeched at him but he silenced her by twisteg her neck 180 degrees and then twisting it back again with a bone grinding crack. The small corpse dropped uselessy to the ground and the infuriated fangirls pressed the attack.

Van Hellsing thrust his sword itno te hear of another fangirl but the blade became stuck and he was forced to fight the final four hand to hand. He ducked under a girly slap and then countered with a thunderous uppercut into her stomach, winding the fragile beast and also rupturing her kidneys and stomach in one hit. As she crumpled he drove his knee into her face so hard that is shattered her fragile skull and killed her.

"No! My fans! I'll get you for this Van What-ever-your-name-is!" Edward suddenly took the field and tried to lift the sword, but it as too heavy for his weak little arms.

Van Hellsing loaded his crossbow and fired a bolt point blank up through a fangirl's chin, the arrow passing up through her skull and protruding out the top of her head. She stumbled about and then fell. The final two scrambled over her corpse and pounced.

Van Hellsing bludgeoned one of them with the crossbow and then spear tackled the last remaining minion. She howled and clawed at him but a few swift yet earth-shattering punches brougt about her death.

The vampire and the vampire hunter where all that were left now. This was the decider. The success or failure of the mission relied upon the outcome of this battle!

Van Hellsing hurled one of the bladed discs and it severed Edward's left arm. While the stunned vampire screamed in pain the vampire hunter charged up to him and threw a heavy hook punch. Edward saw it and somehow ducked under it in a move that would make a Matrix fan squeal with delight (Or more likely disgust since it's Edward...)

The two had an oddly unscripted yet amazingly choreographed fight.

Edward laughed arrogantly as he ducked under a roundhouse kick and sweeped his own leg out, only for Van Hellsing to leap over it and front-flip over to a safer position.

"I learned a lot from my stunt man! I'll kick your ass you stupid-" Edward was cut off when something heavy struck his chest. He staggered back and stared down at the crossbow bolt sticking out of his body. "What the-" Another hit him in the shoulder, rendering his only arm useless.

"I told you I would slay you! Say your last words wretched vermin!"

Edward was about to argue but another bolt struck him in the left thigh. He stumbled and fell on one knee. He hissed like an angry kitten and made feeble threats to his executioner.

Van Hellsing reached into his coat and took out a small silver object. He swung it down at the ground and it extended into a steel stake. The hunter drove it up through Edward's heart and rejoiced in the spasms and sobs of his foe.

"For a vampire, you are weakest, most pathetic thing I have ever seen. You don't even deserve to be called such a thing. You are a disgrace to your kind! By killing you I shall please both sides of this endless war. To spare the darkness and light...I shall take your head!"

"No! I'll give you money! I'll give you a free copy of my latest movie- Argh!" The stake was yanked out and a thick torrent of blood gushed forth from the ragged wounds. Edward fell flat on his face which Van Hellsing stomped into the ground.

Edward sobbed pitifully as he watched his opponent take out a sharp silver dagger. His eyes widened and he tried to plead for mercy, but all that spewed from his hideous lips was a splatter of blood. He let loose a choked, agonised scream before his head was cleanly removed and held high. It was not much of a trophy, but it would do.

Van Hellsing dropped of Edward's head to his clients and then dissapeared into the mist. As for the Twilight fad, the curse was lifted and there was a large rise in sales for Van Hellsing, starring Hugh Jackman.

Well I hope that was entertaining for you! It's really been a fun ride, a shame it is down to the final two really. I have the grand finale in mind, but I'm still open to suggestions for number 100! Send in your final requests because some of them have been really good! Speak now or forever hold your peace...Or whatever. Anyway don't miss the final two chapters of this morbid collection of nonsense!

Now review!


	18. Special! 100 Vampires

I'm back! I'm finally back! I had a nasty bout of writer's block and haven't published anything for ages. Thankfully that curse has been lifted and so I give you this tasty morsel of depravity! I have fulfilled a few requests with this one and I hope you are pleased. Enjoy and review!

**100 – Vampires**

Edward sits back in the cabin of a horse-drawn carriage. The other Twilight members are there as well. They were all invited to attend an extra special gathering at castle Dracula. Supposedly it is a night for all the vampires to meet and greet. It's like a reunion for all of the worlds blood-sucking children of the night...Which begs the question of why the Twilight cast were invited?

Ignorant of this, the twilight cast head deep into the heart of the forest, following a narrow dirt road which soon widens in a cleared patch. In the clearing, the looming silhouette of castle Dracula stands out on the crimson sunset.

"Nice view." Bella remarked, staring out from between the lace curtains. "It's almost romantic..." She nodded suggestively to Edward who cringed.

"I only like women in front of the camera sweet-heart. Don't get ahead of yourself."

Bella frowned and then turned to Jacob who was gnawing on his leg. She cocked her to one side and said nothing, but somehow he could unerstand the silent question.

Jacob cursed. "I...I have fleas alright! Just shut up about it!"

Infectious parasites were turn-off so Bella just sat back and tried to take her mind off of her strange 'friends'.

The carriage rolled up the treacherous rocky cliff-face towards the great stone castle. Strikes of lightning illuminated the great walls of the castle, revealing their age scarred cracks and mossy patches growing around the walls. Small flags flapped about in the strong wind.

"The rent must be expensive." Stephanie Meyer whispered (Tagging along because of her selfish refusal to accept she wasn't invited.)

"It's in the middle of nowhere. It's probably cheaper than dirt!" Alice remarked. She was wrapped in a blanket, having come down with a cold on the trek to the castle. Emmet kept her company alongside Carlisle who all huddled into a single corner making Alice feel claustrophobic as well.

James and Victoria sat by the other window, gazing outside with little interest.

The coach pulled up outside the monstrous front gate which was guarded by towering gargoyles. The group waited patiently while the thick wooden gate creaked open and the steel lattice behind it rolled up into the ceiling.

With only slight hesitation they headed inside the castle, unaware of what they would encounter within...

* * *

A tall thin man approached them. He was deathly pale and wore a dirty suit and tie. He lead them to a large spiral staircase which they ascended to find an endless hallway, stretching on for what semed like miles. They marched down the hall, across exquisite red velvet rugs until they came to their rooms.

"Please unpack quickly, Lord Dracula will be waiting for you in the ballroom." With that, the butler vanished.

"Nice rooms." Bella remarked, running a hand over the soft bed covers.

"Yeah! This is even more luxurious than my house!" Edward exclaimed in a high pitched squeal.

"You know, I heard this Dracula guy is a real freak." James whispered in Victoria's ear.

"Don't say that! He might turn into a bat and eat us!" She replied nervously. She cast her gaze to the window and screamed when a large bat flew in through the window. "It's him! It's him!" She cried.

James grabbed the creatures leg and snatched the small paper scroll entwined around the bony limb. He unfurled the yellow paper and frowned.

"What is it?"

"It says: Hurry up." He muttered, deadpan.

The group headed off down to the ballroom. They could hear the loud cacophany of mingling vampires even from a distance. When they pushed through the exquisite timber doors they entered on a marble staircase which led on down itno the large open area where numerous blood-suckers were all standing around chatting. Some were even dancing.

"Wow!" Bella clapped excitedly.

On a low lying lounge against the far wall, the stars (Obvious overstatement) of 'The Vampire Diaries' and 'True Blood'. They looked more out of place than a crocodile at an alligator rally but the others barely took notice of them.

A true mix of the weird and wonderful took place inside the great ballroom. While some could have passed for regular humans, some looked so monstrous that even a blind person would crap his pants at the sight of them.

"Ah, velcome to my great castle!" The count himself rasped in the ears of his recent guests.

Edward flinched and whirled around prepared to slap his foe, but he only hit empty air. He trned back round and there he was, draped in a black cape, his skin whiter than snow...Count Dracula, the original vampire.

His skin was shrivelled and pale, his cheeks sunken and his eyes ringed in black. He was a monster pure and simple. His bony hands outstretched in a gesture of greeting, though the wicked black claws that adorned his fingertips made the Twilight cast uneasy.

"No need to vorry. I mean you no harm. You are guests here, so please make yourselves comfortable. I have invited all my closest friends and I hope you can get along well with them."

"No problem Count Chochula!" James remarked snidely.

The count's eyes began to glow a fiery red and a fanged smile crept up on his lips. "Don't test your fate young one."

James scoffed and went down into the sea of ghouls to connect with his kind.

The others stayed together, admittedly terrified of being in the same room as these creatures. They did not know them, did not trust them...

"Um, excuse me?"

Edward felt a tap on his shoulder. He glanced over at the young blonde girl who was looking around anxiously. "Yes?"

"Ah, have you seen my master anywhere? I kind...Lost him..." She looked down at the ground and her cheeks began to burn bright red.

"What does he look like?" Edward asked dissinterestedly.

"Well, he's tall. Very tall. He's wearing a wide brimmed hat and he's dressed all in red. Have you seen him around?" The girl smiled hopefully, waiting for a reply.

Edward shook his head. "Nope. Haven't seen him."

"Oh, alright then..." The girl was aboout to leave when she stopped. She retraced her steps back towards Edward and extended a hand to shake. "By the way, I'm Seras Victoria."

"Edward Cullen."

The name seemed to strike a nerve and she made a short spasm before returning to normal. Edward raised an eyebrow at her and she suddenly ran off. Bella moved into her place and crossed her arms.

"Who was that?" She asked, a slight hint of fury in her tone.

"Just some silly girl. She probably isn't even a vampire, I mean did you see her? She looked so...Un-refined."

"So she wasn't flirting with you?" Bella nagged.

Edward chuckled. "Of course not. She looked like a dog anyway. She's probably just a bloody maid or something useless like that. She's just a hideous little tomboy."

Edward and Bella shared a mocking laugh, meanwhile Seras sat underneath the stairs, tears forming in the corner of her eyes.

She tried to control herself but it all became too much and she ran from the room. She wandered around the corridors and collapsed inside one of the guest rooms. She sobbed quietly, not wanting to gain unwanted attention. A vampire crying, that was just silly. They would all laugh at her...Just like that bastard, Edward.

How dare he say such awful things about her...He would surely pay for that. She would find Alucard and make him- No. She couldn't keep relying on Alucard. She was a vampire now. She could rely on herself. She would avenge herself!

Anyway, Edward was going to die at some point on this trip, it had been foretold. It was the whole purpose behind this gathering. Edward had committed attrocities against vampires and humans alike and he had to be excuted for his crimes.

"Vhat is the matter, little Draculina?" The count drifted into the room silently, like a ghost.

"Oh...It's nothing...I just had...Something in my eye!" She wiped away the tears but they were instantly replaced. She cursed under her breath and turned away

"The Cullen boy has hurt you, yes?"

Seras' shoulders slumped. "Yes."

"Then, you need not vorry. I have planned for this day for a long time and I assure you that the boy will die! His crimes cannot go unpunished and such a horrid creature cannot go on tarnishing the reputations of us true vampires!" the counts extended a skeletal hand. "Vill you aid me, Draculina?"

Seras smiled softly and grasped his hand. "Sure."

* * *

The night dragged on and many returned to their rooms, all at once...Almost as if they were ordered to leave. The cast of True Blood and Vampire Diaries remained behind, still clambering over the lounge. The lights were toned down and candles were all lit by some unseen mystical force.

"Cool!" One of the dimwitted 'vampires' exclaimed.

"Scary. I bet there's a vampire waiting in the shadows and he's gonna jump out and attack us!" One of the blonde bimbos said jokingly, giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Yeah. He's probably hiding around this corner!" One of the actors jumped up and approached a corner, only for his head to explode in a shower of blood.

"AAGH!" The cast cried.

Another vampire, this time on the other end of the couch suddenly collapsed, a pool of blood spreading around him.

Multiple silhouettes appeared around them, hidden in the dim candle-light. Their glowing red eyes stood out however, a grim symbol of the night-stalking, blood-thirsty ghouls better known as vampires.

"What is this? Help us!" A young vampire cried before several pairs of clawed hands dug their claws into her pale flesh, tearing her limb from limb and stripping her of flesh. Many sets of jaws clamped down on her twitching body, feeding on her impure blood.

The cast tried to defend themselves, but they were all hunted down by their hidden killers. One was decapitated, his head ripped off like a bottle lid. Another as dragged kicking and screaming into the darkness where he was mauled savagely.

Their agonised screams echoed throughout the house and in no time the Twilight cast burst into the ballroom, switching on all the lights and bracing themselves for what the light would reveal.

The room was painted red. Blood soaked everything in the room, even the ceiling which stood ten metres above the ground. Scraps of flesh and scattered body parts were floating in the sickening crimson pool. There were no intruders. No-one was there, except fro the corpses and the unfortunate people who discovered them.

The Cullens ran screaming to the Count's room to report the massacre, but even when the Count was face to face with them and had heard their stories he was unmoved, his stern expression permanently affixed to his face.

"So...Someone has killed those vampires?"

"Yes! They tore them to pieces and...and...They ruined the colour scheme of the room!" Edward whined.

Dracula merely chuckled to himself. A threatening, raspy noise that chilled them to the bone.

"No matter." He said simply.

"What? How can you say that?" Bella cried.

"They vere of no use to us. I am glad they have died. It is vhat I demanded of my guests in the first place."

"Huh?" Emmet was taken aback. "You mean you ordered your vampire buddies to kill them?" The Count nodded. "You bastard!" Emmet ran up to him but the ancient vampire was far too fast. He weaved around his burly opponent and raked his claws into his back, digging so deep that Emmet was barely able to stand.

"I knew you would react this vay. That is vhy I organised this whole event."

"Gargh!" Emmet dragged himself back to his feet.

"You have commited an unatoneable sin. You have tarnished the vampire legend and have damaged our reputation as a whole! You even incited others to follow in your path of desecration, resulting in those vampire we just killed. To correct the wrongs of the past you all must die!"

"You can't do that! We are the true vampires!" Edward roared, obviously pushing his luck.

The count scowled and swung his arm in an arc before Emmet's eyes. At first it seemed like he had done nothing at all...But then the top half of Emmet's head fell to the floor.

The Twihards shrieked and leapt away from the corpse.

"Prepare to meet your end, scum!" Count Dracula spread his arms wide and at the very same moment a blinding lighting strike cast an instant blaze of white light. When it vanished, the halls were crammed full of the vampires.

"Oh no! We're surrounded!" Alice cried out. She made a desperate run for a window and managed to jump out into the night air, but she was caught in mid-air by a winged vampire who carried her all the way up to the darkened clouds, gnashing away at her face, tearing long strips of skin from her cheeks and neck. Even as her left eye was sucked up like a piece of spaghetti she remained alive, screaming like a banshee. The vampire then dropped her, watching the dying girl as she plummeted far down, impaling herself on one of the sharp, stony turrets. The hole spread until the two halves of her body were merely held toggether by a few meagre stands of muscle tissue. They stretched and snapped, allowing both halves to them fall down into the courtyard where they splattered over the ground like water-balloons.

"Alice!" Esme gasped, backing away. She stepped into the arms of a purple-skinned vampire with John Lennon glasses.

"Two. Two victims...And you're the third!" The lovable character from Sesame Street suddenly turned homicidal, using his razor sharp fangs to sever Esme's jugular vein, creating a gushing fountain of arterial spray from which he drank ravenously.

"NO!" Carlisle rushed to the aid of his wife, only to be tackled by a large, muscle-bound humanoid with large blonde spikes of hair. He was a physically imposing beast and the murderous look in his eyes only made matters worse.

James took out a flick knife and charged for the brute. "Get off of him you bastard!"

The blonde vampire rose to his feet and grinned menacingly. "Za Warudo!"

James suddenly stopped. He was frozen in place. Time had stopped. James could only stare straight ahead as the vampire warrior reached into his coat and produced a sinister array of throwing knives, at least five in each hand.

"My name is Dio Brando. It shall be the last name you ever hear...Now die!" Dio hurled the dozen knives, all of which struck James in vital areas. Time began to flow again and James collapsed to the floor. He desperately tried to get back up but another dozen knives buried themselves into him. As he rolled about worthlessly on the floor a third dozen perforated him, finishing him off for good.

In the mean time, Carlisle tried to escape but was pounced on by an animalistic vampire. The fanged demon tore him to pieces, ripping huge chunks of flesh from his body, stripping him to bone. He was dead after the first bite, but the vampire kept eating regardless.

Only Edward, Bella and Stephanie remained alive. The trio managed to duck around the main force of the vampire and ran full tilt down the winding corridors, searching for an escape route that never presented itself.

The neared a corner and dove around it, only to come face to face with the blonde girl from before.

"You again? Go away! We have to get past!" Edward roared.

Seras stood her ground.

"Hey! Move it! Get out of our way you ugly little bitch!" Seras suddenly vanished. She reappeared before Edwards eyes and punched him full in the jaw. She hit so hard that it caused him to spit out a large mouthful of blood and several teeth.

"Hey! How dare you touch Edward you little skank! I'll-" Bella was cut off by a snaking black tendril which drifted between the two fueding women.

"How dare you speak to the police girl in such a way. I'm afraid I'll have to stop you." The deep voice was chilling. It was as if the devil himself were speaking.

Seras smiled at her master. "Alucard..."

"Step aside police girl. She is mine!" Alucard materialized in the form of a tall man wearing a blood red trench-coat. Wild locks of long blakc hair fluttered about his pallid face. He turned to the girl and grinned, revealing sharp fangs. "Take back your pride by killing that worthless little upstart. I shall deal with the rest."

"Yes sir!" Seras saluted before proceeding to kick the living shit out of Edward.

"Now...Where were we?" Alucard asked menacingly.

Bella didn't even speak. She merely spun on her heels and ran. Alucard sighed and a formless hell-hound burst out of his shoulder, hunting down the girl and latching onto her leg. It ten dragged her back to it's master before chomping down on her leg, severing it from the thigh.

Bella squealed like a slaughtered pig. This only made Alucard laugh.

"Even your screams are hideous. Still, I like to play. Let us enjoy this. Don't die on me too son little girlie."

Alucard took out his trusty anti-freak gun and aimed it at his wounded foe. Bella crawled slowly, crying out for mercy. Alucard replied with a heavy bullet piercing her spine, paralysing her. He then stalked his prey and began beating her senseless.

When she was nothing more than pulp Alucard emptied his clip into Bella's corpse until she was merely a puddle of goo.

Meanwhile, Seras had dealt a savage assault on Edward. His legs were broken and his face was busted up beyond repair. He whimpered pitifully as Seras threw him into the wall. She then picked him up and ground his face into the wall. She took a run up the corridor, skull-dragging Edward along beside her. When she made it to the end of the hall she dropped the pitiful creature to the floor and stomped on what remained of his head.

He sobbed pitifully as Seras pushed down more and more. She added more and more pressure until Edwards eyes were bulging out of their sockets. She then lifted her foot up in the air before bringing it down with ten times more force.

Edward's head exploded like a balloon getting pricked by a pin, only with bucket loads of blood and flying scraps of brain matter. When she was happy with her work she returned to her master and smiled.

"I feel better now..."

Alucard chuckled. "We all do. Vampires shall return to what they were made to be. We shall forever be feared. We shall strike terror in the hearts of mortals, we shall terrorize the world, killing freely and drinking blood as we see fit. The world shall bow to our kind now. We shall re-claim this world in the name of vampires everywhere..."

Alucard spread his hands wide apart and howled at the red hunters moon. "We shall rule the night! H ha ha ha!"

Seras gasped. "Wait a minute! What about that woman? Stephanie Meyer?"

Alucard grinned. "She will be dealt with, do not worry."

* * *

Stephanie ran out the front gate and hopped into one of the carriages. She screamed at the driver to hurry and so he did. She sank back into the seat and sighed. She had escaped. She was still alive. She could re-create her abominable spawn. She could create a new Twilight cast...She could regain what she had lost...

"You aren't leaving here alive Mrs Meyer." A hauntingly familiar voice whispered in her ear. She turned slowly, only to stare into the eyes of Count Dracula as his jaws opened wide and his dripping fangs gleamed in the moonlight.

She barely uttered a scream before it was all over.

* * *

A FEW MONTHS LATER

Vampires regained control of earth. They massacred entire cities and herded them into slaughter-houses where they were drained of blood which was bottled and distributed to shops all over the world.

The wild vampires stalked the forests and mountains and deserts, feeding off of those who fled the cities.

The human world had come to an end and the age of vampires had begun. The great, blood-sucking demons became unstoppable killing machines, superior predators and invincible opponents. Nothing could impeded their march and so they enslaved mankind, reduced their cities to rubble and recreated the land to suit their own desires.

Count Dracula is now the ruler of all the vampires, a supreme commander of their unstoppable legion. Stephanie Meyer's head is a trophy within his great castle which still stands.

The world as we knew it has ended. The apocalypse as we never conceived before had occurred. Twilight had made humans disregard vampries as a threat, leading us to be unprepared for the fight. We fell easilly and those that survive in small bands around the world...They know...

Vampires are truly evil creatures. They don't care for high school romances. They don't care if you're afraid or not. They do not care for hearts or souls. All they care for is death...Violent, bloody death.

Humanity only learned their lesson when it was too late.

Well, was it worth the wait? I hope you enjoyed that because that was the second last chapter. IF you thought this one was good then you will be blown away by the grand finale! Brace yourself for Edward Cullen's final journey to damnation. 

Now review. Give me your praise and encouragement. It can only make me write better. 


	19. Final: 101 The Very End

Here it is. The moment you've all been waiting for! The grand finale! the death to end all deaths! The ultimate, epic climax to this long ride of psychopathic insanity! Enjoy this final taste of doom, savour it, for it shall be your last. 

**101 – The Very End**

The world has had enough. The single greatest mistake in the history of mankind has now tainted the Earth with it's insidious ways. There is no going back now. There is no way to reverse the damage. Nothing can save this Hell which we created.

Vampires, the word once denoted a supernatural being, a frightening spectre of death. A monster that stalked the night, hunting down innocent humans and killing them in unimaginably terrible ways. Some would be torn to pieces, others would just have two bite marks on their neck. Some would be flayed alive and some would be unscathed. The only similarity was that all the victims were drained of blood...

The monsters came in all shapes and forms, bat-like wings, crooked, pointy ears, emacciated faces, glowing red eyes. Some of them even looked like regular humans, perfectly disguised. Wicked fangs would always adorn their wicked smiles. There would always be a cold presence in the air, a sensation of something very wrong, something inhuman.

Their powers were vast. Some had the strength to rip a man's head in half with nothing but his bare hands. Some had the endurance to survive a bullet at point blank range. Some could manipulate their victim's minds. Some could raise the dead to do their bidding, others could replicate their own kind, passing on their wretched curse.

The word vampire struck fear into the hearts of man. They desperately tried to invent cures and methods of defence. They tried everything: crucifixes, garlic, wooden stakes, metal stakes, decapitations, burning, mystic herbs, magic...Some worked, others were merely laughable.

Even with ways to kill them, vampires were unstoppable. Their superhuman abilities made them more than a match for their prey and some vampires were even immortal, unable to die, even age could not harm them.

No, man was never their greatest threat...It was the sun. Numerous vampires were susceptible to the light and warmth that radiated from the sun. Their dark, soulless forms thrived on the empowering darkness of the shadows, but in the light they were powerless. Some were weakened, others would shrivel and die. A rare few were unaffected.

Throughout the ages, vampires inspired terror and fueled nightmares. Through them, man weaved grand tales that would delight young and old for centuries. Some of these tales became as immortal as the ghouls they were based upon.

Vampires were legendary, famed for their vicious nature and their mythical presence in our lives. They were things which inspired awe in the young and old alike...But even with this fascination, man never forgot the crippling fear, the tingles on the back of their necks...The hairs that stood on end, the shivers that ran down their spine.

No matter what happened, vampires would always be feared...

Then it happened. By some mistake of nature, a horrid little girl was born. She grew up reading romance stories and vowed to write them herself when she was older. Not only did she write them...She integrated vampires into it.

The monsters which haunted our history books were demoted to weak, kind-hearted vermin. They no longer drank human blood. They no longer had an undying hatred fofr humans. They no longer lacked a heart or soul. Now...NOW THEY FUCKING SPARKLE!

The beast that would tear out your beating heart and devour it before your very eyes was now a sappy teenaged boy who longed to take you to the school dance. The sharp fangs were replaced with pearly whites and the deathly pallor was replaced with cheap white make-up.

Vampires...Were no longer vampires.

That vile woman's name was Stephanie Meyer. The literary abortion she created was called Twilight.

The tales of old were forgotten. The children rushed out to buy the books about these new vampires. Children no longer feared them. Now they squealed with delight and cried when they took their shirt off. Now they see them as teen heart-throbs, not blood-thirsty killers.

Children idolize these new vampires! They see them as the new greatest thing. They think they know all about vampires from seeing the poorly made movies and reading the worthless books. They no longer understand what a real vampire is.

The days when Dracula and Nosferatu plagued our sleepless nights were long gone. Now it is preteen girls dry humping a pillow while fantasizing of a weak, putrid creature that they grew to know as Edward Cullen.

There are those who try to keep the vampire legends alive. Through endless re-writes of Dracula and infamous characters such as Alucard, a portion of society still understand the true vampires.

As this Twilight craze sweeps the nation, the media is plagued with the abomination. Book stores are cramped with Stephanie Meyer's books. Video stors have entire sections devoted to Twilight. Music stores even have vinyls of Twilight soundtracks right next to bands such as Metallica and Iron Maiden!

This mistake had created such damage that there was no other conceivable way to correct the wrongs of the past. The Twilight craze would only spread with ever passing day. Stephanie Meyer was now creating more books than Octomum had kids. Something had to be done...Something drastic...

* * *

Edward woke up early one morning. He rubbed his eyes as he approached the window. The sky was a bright blue and puffy white clouds floated across the sky like lilly pads in a pond.

"Ah, what a beautiful morning!" He exclaimed. He moved over to his dresser drawer where several awards trophies sat idly on the top on either side of his jewel encrusted mirror. He got dressed and proceeded downstairs. He had cabinets lined full of his 'hard-earned money' and a bunch of magazines with his face on the cover.

He entered the kitchen where everything was Twilight merchandise. His face was on the coffee-cups, the plates, even the freaking toaster.

He took out a small bottle of what was labelled blood but what was actually only tomato juice. He gulped down several mouthfuls and then skipped to the front door. He yanked it open and jumped outside into the fresh-smelling air.

When he opened his eyes he saw something different.

The sky was red...bright red. The clouds had scattered, fleeing from the blood red-sky. The light from the sun was gone and the world was eclipsed by the heavy breath of the grim reaper.

"What the hell is this?" Edward asked.

The clouds seemed to return, only to spell out the word 'Armageddon'.

Edward stared at it blankly until a bright flash on the horizon caught his eye. A flaming comet trail was soaring up into the sky and moving closer to him. He stared at it with child-like curiosity, without the faintest clue of what was going on.

As the flaming object got closer and closer more of them appeared in the sky, like a meteor shower. Edward was completely unaware of what it was. He never even got the chance to scream.

At that same moment a mother kissed her children before sending them off to school. A young child on a swing reached a new height. A young couple kissed on a park bench. An elderly couple held hands while watching the flaming sky. A puppy rolled about on the soft lawn of it's master's yard. And somewhere...A military commander was praying to whatever false gods would hear his pleas for forgiveness.

A singe second later the world as we all knew it was no more.

The first nuclear warhead hit it's target dead on. Within seconds a blast the size of an entire city decimated everything in it's path. Trees were stripped of bark and their trunks up-rooted and hurled aside as if they were feathers. Houses and skyscrapers dissintegrated. Bodies melted or exploded, leaving nothing but ash and dust behind. The resulting shockwaves spread across all of the US destroying all that had ever existed.

The rest of the missiles were scattered in the blast, sending them throughout the world. Some hit land, others crashed in the middle of the ocean. Great tsunami's pounded shorelines, ground-shattering earthquakes of unimaginable strength brought entire cities to their knees.

In only a few minutes the children on their way to school, that kid on the swing, the old couple, the teens on the park bench, the military commander...All of them were dead and gone. Completely obliterated by a nuclear blast the likes of which they had never seen. An explosion so great that no-one had never even contemplated it.

The world was caught off-guard and now it was no more.

Vampires, the legends, the legacy...No more.

Edward, just like all of humanity, was gone.

Edward...was dead.

___**End**_

Thank you so much for reading this depraved journey into my homicidal mind. Our combined hatred created something wonderful and I can't thank you all enough for helping make it happen. Thanks for all the requests, some were really good, some were just plain crazy, but no matter, because it all helped in the end. We laughed, we cringed, we leaned back in our chairs and said "Ooh damn! that's gotta hurt!". In the end, I hope you all enjoyed it. May you all join me once again on my next anti-Twilight adventure. 

Until then, write a review. 


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